Final Destination: The Ultimate Movie Marathon

Since some people seem to insist that I be an adult and hold down a real job (people are really inconsiderate that way), it’s taken me ages to do this write up, but this UMM was actually done back-to-back with the Twilight one. The UMM rules state that for it to be an actual UMM, there needs to be at least 7 movies to the franchise (the gods forbid that that should ever happen to Twilight), so my elite crack movie watching squad (Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist) and I decided we’d just bend the rules slightly and watch another short franchise, thus bringing the evening’s final movie tally to 10.

By the time we started watching these movies my life was already in jeopardy, and there was a very real chance that my team would tar and feather me. We’d just watched +- 10 hours of stares, and I was really hoping that these movies would redeem me. I’m not sure if they did, but I think they went a long way to easing some of the tension.

The Final Destination franchise, in my opinion, is one that should truly be treasured because there isn’t a single bad movie in it. Yes, some movies are better than others when compared against one another, but on the whole all of them are very watchable and a lot of fun. It’s difficult to decide what sub-genre of horror these movies fall into, since they aren’t really slashers, but the whole idea that Death itself can come after you really puts a fresh twist on things. It’s also a lot of fun to watch just how a string of incredibly convoluted events can end up killing people in some truly horrific ways. Most importantly (and where other movies have long since fallen off the bandwagon), the Final Destination movies have, for more than a decade, introduced audiences to movies with people standing in a triangle on the cover. Not enough movies do that any more, and I think it’s a truly important cinematic event that should be passed on to future generations.

By this point in the evening the idea of any form of critical analysis had long since gone out of the window, so I’ll just give you a brief rundown of each movie, followed by our Twilight-riddled stream of consciousness. Enjoy!

FINAL DESTINATION

Year of Release: 2000
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 6.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Be honest – when you first saw this movie it made you think twice about getting on a plane. Starring a frightfully young Ali Larter, this is the movie that introduced us to the notion that Death might have a rather sick and fiendish plan for us all. Young Alex Brown and his friends are all getting ready for a fun school trip to France on Flight 180 when he has a horrifying vision that the plane will blow up just after take off. No one really believes him, but he and a few others are ejected from the plane for unruly behaviour anyway. Lo and behold, the plane actually does blow up, killing everyone on it.

In what may be Death’s equivalent of Wikileaks, these premonitions do not form part of Death’s ultimate plan – the survivors were never meant to get off the plane. Now, Death is coming for them and plans on getting them back in gruesome (but sometimes also hilarious) ways. Just how long can Alex and company actually cheat death?

• Dad supports copulation with French bitches.
• This scene warns us that there may be a slight draft.
• No hookers in the airport!
• Kill a Hari Krishna!
• Death laughs in the face of subtlety.
• Don’t fart in the bathroom!
• One should always aspire to do some tittie fucking while flying over Greenland.
• Behold: the Maltesers of DOOM!!
• Thank god for pre-911 – Alex would be hung and quartered by the FBI now.
• Awkward orphans are awkward.
• Survivor guilt!
• Freedom! (from life).
• He’s really not clairvoyant; Death only had a brief chat with him.
• Cold drafts are apparently Death’s preferred mode of transport.
• How do you get your toilet water to be that immaculate shade of blue?
• Behold: the Alsation of impending DOOM!!
• Mortuary break-ins are such a rush for randy teenagers.
• Furniture for movie kindly sponsored by Death by Design.
• Agent Shrek stages a daring coffin drop.
• Police brutality – the best kind of brutality.
• Tube monitors are the Devil’s work.
• Caramelised blood. Sweet, delicious caramelised blood.
• Death’s a sneaky bastard and willing to let you go slowly.

FINAL DESTINATION 2

Year of Release: 2003
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 6.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

In the franchise’s apparent bid to make us afraid to do anything at all, Final Destination 2 takes the terror on the road and presents the viewer with a delightfully horrific pile up on the highway. Remember when that giant log went through the policeman’s car? Yeah, that.

This movie centres on Kimberly, who was beginning a roadtrip with a bunch of her friends when her premonition happened. By backing up traffic, she manages to save a lot of people from the enormous crash, once again setting Death up to take back what it feels rightfully belongs to it.

This movie is the only one in the franchise that has any direct connection to the first film (or is it?), with a still-frightfully young Ali Larter reprising her role as Clear Rivers to help this new bunch of kids escape from Death’s wispy clutches. The movie is also interesting because it examines the consequences of the first one and how the (temporary) survival of the Flight 180 passengers created a ripple effect in Death’s greater design. More bodies, more explosions, and more pigeon-related deaths than you can shake a stick at. What’s not to enjoy?

• Crazy people are really useful for providing background info into Death’s design.
• Oh, how I miss a good old VCR.
• Condoms, whips, and chains are all really useful items to pack for a roadtrip.
• Irony is all around you, ergo, Death is all around you.
• Drink pale ale responsibly.
• Warning lights in cars aren’t really there to tell us anything important.
• White guys can be totally thug.
• “Call 180” – The devil got a new number.
• This police station has a capture and release system in place for witnesses.
• Back at Stately Wayne suburbia…
• Hygiene and safety standards – this guy has none.
• Magnets and microwaves really aren’t compatible.
• Well done! You just made things much, much worse.
• Dear God, not my iMac!
• Remember to evacuate your apartment in a calm and orderly fashion.
• Remember kids – spaghetti kills.
• Smoking is healthy if you do it on a treadmill.
• It must be refreshing when a mental patient WANTS to be there.
• Clear could still die from 1000 paper cuts.
• Good luck beating Death, and don’t fuck it up.
• Find Nemo: Killer Version.
• All Nitrous, all the time!
• Terrible: dying after you’ve racked up an enormous dental bill.
• Welcome to the Crazy and Clothed branch of the FBI.
• Death sees you when you’re coming. How awkward.
• Valium: like Smarties, but for adults.
• Don’t go accusin’ no one that their ass is any less alive than yours.
• Behold: the ripple effect of DOOM!!
• Death by Design has a rift that even duct tape can’t fix.
• Splash the Magical Flying Ambulance.
• Death has been vanquished and Dawn reveals her rosy bottom to everyone.
• KABOOM!

FINAL DESTINATION 3

Year of Release: 2006
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Alright, so we can’t fly anywhere and we can’t drive anywhere. Now, even if we somehow manage to make it to an amusement park, we can’t ride rollercoasters either? Not that I’m a huge fan of rollercoasters (I don’t like going upside down), but I’d at least like to have the option. Oh yeah, and don’t ride on trains. Ever.

This time around we’re following Wendy, who only wanted to spend a fun night out at the amusement park with her friends and boyfriend to celebrate their senior year of high school. Death and his ever-fabulous designers over at Death by Design, however, have a different plan. Wendy’s premonition kicks in just before a rollercoaster ride, showing her in detail that the human spine and metal support columns should never meet one another at high speed. She panics and gets off the rollercoaster, taking several people with her (sadly, boyfriend not included), thus setting in motion a chain of events that means Death and his designers need to put in a little overtime.

The key to survival here will be Wendy’s passion for amateur photography: she took pictures of everyone that night before the rollercoaster derailed, and they seem to hold clues to preventing peoples’ decidedly squelchy ends. Can Wendy and her friend Kevin beat Death and his array of faulty tanning beds, fork lifts gone wild and flying truck engines? Probably not, but it’s boatloads of fun to watch them try.

• Thank you New Line Cinema.
• It’s the Rollercoaster of Love!
• There’s some reckless foreshadowing being thrown around here.
• Camel toes, duck face and warp speed, oh my!
• Hydraulic fluid: Gone.
• Tyres: Gone.
• Who knew teenagers could fly?
• Oh wait, they can’t.
• She whips her hair (and spine) back and forth.
• Spear tackle a bitch! Bitches love to be spear tackled.
• Getting a tune-up tan for a funeral is so thoughtful.
• That’s a good work lamp there.
• This, on the other hand, is only an average work lamp.
• Mmmm… delicious fried whore.
• Death by Design releases its Equality range of murder.
• Drink pale ale responsibly.
• There’s so much ‘Merica! going on here it hurts.
• This guy works for Osama bin Supervisor.
• Watch out for the overreaction over steer!
• Wendy’s camera has all the megapixels.
• Fuck you Ben Franklin!
• We’re on the love train!
• OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

THE FINAL DESTINATION

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

I don’t get why people are so down on this movie. Yes, of all the Final Destination movies it is the weakest. It suffers from being a little over zealous with the CGI (at times going up to Syfy levels) and it was clearly made with 3D in mind because everything just wants to fly out of the TV at you, but it’s by no means a bad movie. Oh right, and it isn’t REALLY The Final Destination, but I guess they couldn’t have known that at the time.

OK, we couldn’t fly anywhere, drive anywhere, or ride on rollercoasters, and this movie also wants us to stop going to races at the speedway. Again, this doesn’t really affect me because I find Formula 1 and that kind of thing boring, but I’d still at least like to have the option.

Death by Design’s out in force again, and this time they’ve set their beady little eyes on Nick. Nick, his girlfriend, and two of their friends, have decided to pass a decidedly American afternoon watching some very American racing surrounded by some very American spectators. Courtesy of the worst pit crew in the world, things go a tad bit awry, several crashes happen, and the entire speedway collapses. Or, at least that’s what’s going to happen according to Nick’s premonition.

Nick and Co., along with several other people, manage to get out before the crash happens, and Death by Design must ride their obsidian unicorns into battle once again. Keep a look out for some KKK-style burnings, a movie theatre on the verge, an over enthusiastic pool pump and the 1001 dangers of standing too close to a chain link fence.

• Thank you New Line Cinema.
• It’s like Daytona, bitches!
• The Nickelback alone should be a clue that bad shit is gonna happen.
• Oh neo-nazis, you’re really such a lovely crowd.
• A flaming pancake! A flancake!
• I’m feeling a little racial tension in that enormous hook and petrol can.
• Yet more irresponsible pale ale consumption.
• Absent parenting is the best kind of parenting.
• Scissors to the face!
• Gotta love some redneck bottle drinking.
• Clear Rivers water. Death by Design must be close…
• Slowest draining pool EVER.
• There’s nothing more horrifying that explosive ass decompression.
• It can’t be fun to be flattened by a bath.
• Death by Design got really greedy in this movie.
• Death’s Hobo walks amongst us.

FINAL DESTINATION 5

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 5.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

If the 4th movie took the series into a little bit of a dip, then this movie brought the franchise right back on track again. As if to reinforce the lesson we learned in the 2nd movie, if you hadn’t already learned that driving is dangerous, Death by Design is also more than capable of making the bridge you’re driving over collapse right out from underneath you.

In this last movie, we’re going to follow the escapades of Sam, a terrifically talented chef in the making, on his way to a retreat with his co-workers from his day job as a salesman. A leak in the space-time-gruesome-death continuum causes him to have a premonition where the whole bridge they are on completely collapses. This results in people drowning, being crushed by cars, getting impaled, and one unfortunate guy landing up on the wrong end of a vat of molten tar. It’s all rather unpleasant, really.

So Sam panics and gets some people safely off the bridge before the collapse happens. By this stage, Death by Design is getting bloody fed up trying to patch all of these leaks in the Grand Design, so the survivors land up getting killed one-by-one in yet another series of horrifying (and, in one instance, bone breaking) incidents. What I really liked, though, is this movie has a really good twist ending that I really didn’t see coming. I won’t spoil it for you, but if you keep a close watch on the characters throughout the movie you’ll see all the clues. Enjoy!

• Thank you New Line Cinema (and Warner Bros.)
• In the end, it’s often salesman against chef.
• Final Destination continues the franchise’s strict 1 black person per movie quota.
• Bald really is the new black.
• Yet another good work lamp. Well done movie.
• Gymnastics should really be restricted to 9-year-old boys.
• If he’s bereaved, he must be bereaving. In fact, he’s a bereaver!
• Stationary theft is deadly.
• Angst is difficult to pull off if you’re wearing a suit.
• Angst is a dish best served in jeans and a t-shirt.
• The fat guy really needs to die – horribly.
• Laser to the eye!
• Eyes pop well, especially when you drive over them.
• These people are just dumb as rocks.
• Psycho killers are that little bit more serious when they have a skillet.
• The _ _ _ _ _ _ _ has landed!
• Token black guy outlasted everyone!
• Final Destination: Changing movie stereotypes.
• The black guy survives the horror!
• Oh wait, I take that back…

FINAL THOUGHTS

After the miserable morning / afternoon / early evening that we spent watching the Twilight movies, these movies were just a complete breath of fresh air. People still weren’t speaking to me, but it was a step up from them threatening to mummify me alive. In a small way, I think these movies went a decent way to saving my life at the hands of a hair-eating Tropical Mary that night, and for that I’m thankful.

Like I said in the beginning of this write up, this is one of the best franchises, in my opinion, that horror has to offer. Whilst it may be purely by virtue of the fact that this franchise has fewer movies in it that many others, there really isn’t a bad one in the bunch. Yes, number four was comparatively weak, but on the whole it still stands up better than many other franchises’ weaker members. They key to these films’ success lies in the fact that they more or less follow a very well thought out system that was laid down in the first movie. They tweak it here and there and the deaths gradually become more gruesome and inventative, and leaves the audience in that fun place where they know exactly what’s going to happen, but you have no clue just how it’s going to happen.

Now, as for the scientific calculations that form an integral part of any UMM night, keeping track of the deaths in the Final Destination movies is a slightly tricky affair. Using a highly scientific and complicated system of spreadsheets, pie charts, clay tablets, and counting on our toes, we settled on a final death count of 499. Breasts were few and far between in this franchise, with a total of only 11. That works out to a death-to-breast ratio of roughly 45.3:1.

When all was said and done, it was nearly 5am and the sugar crash was starting to kick in hard, so it was off to bed for all of us. The next day was spent with a sugar-deprived headache that allowed me some time to reflect on the kinds of friendships that can withstand what I subjected them to on that bright and sunny Good Friday. So long as I promise to have no part in choosing the movies for the next UMM, I think we’re all gonna be friends for a good while yet 🙂

As always, I’m always looking for suggestions for the next UMM, especially for franchises that may be slightly more obscure.

Thanks to everyone for reading, and a big thanks to all those who kept us company through the live tweeting madness of the day!

Until next time 🙂

BUY THE FINAL DESTINATION MOVIES AT AMAZON.COM

Twilight: The Ultimate Movie Marathon

Alright, I’ll be the first to say it: this was a dumbass idea team!  And I can’t even blame the team for this; this was entirely my own idea. Against my own better judgement, the combined better judgement of Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist, and against any common sense whatsoever I insisted that we watch these movies as part of an Ultimate Movie Marathon. The thought behind it was that if we could make it through them all (even if it meant Debbie Gibsoning the hell out of ourselves), we would be some of the most hardcore movie watchers out there. It wasn’t a good thought. These movies stole my smart, they stole my will to live, and my friends want to burn me as a witch for what I did to them.

It started out like any other UMM day, with all the snacks and coke and cigarettes at the ready, but we knew that this wasn’t going to be easy. We also knew that, since this ‘saga’ is aimed at teenagers, we wouldn’t be able to do our regular breast-to-death ratio since there would be minimal death and nary a breast in sight. Instead, we decided to go with something more practical: stares (sorry Stygian Mole!) to men’s nipples (OK, watching the Occult Specialist handle this was kinda fun). Now, since most people are well aware of what these stupid movies entail, I’m gonna give you a brief summary of each one before plowing into the stream of consciousness to show you what we went through, all in the name of b-horror blogging.

TWILIGHT

You can either be vampires, or you can be the Pussycat Dolls, but you can’t be both.

Year of Release: 2008
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 5.2 / 10
Level of Awful: High

You know what, I’m not going to be entirely unfair and start this off on a bad note. Yes, this movie was absolutely rubbish and is most likely partly responsible for how stupid some kids are becoming these days, but so far as the Twilight Saga has to offer, this is about as good as it gets. It teaches young girls the importance of going to ludicrous extremes to date MUCH older men and then to cling on desperately no matter what the consequences. I’m really trying to find nice things to say about this movie but they really aren’t coming, so I’ll have a look at what we were thinking as we watched:

• Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
• Who needs dialogue when you have a crappy soundtrack?
• Mouth-breathing really abounds in this little town.
• There’s nothing more important than having a good work lamp.
• It’s hard to look good in a wheelchair.
• When he changes into a werewolf do you think it’s like those dogs who have no back legs and have to go around on wheels?
• Who needs to look at their timetable in slow mo?
• Why is everyone laughing?
• What the hell’s an Olympic sized penis?
• Inability to pour ketchup. Just wow.
• And angsty Enya plays on…
• No normal human being needs to breathe as much as Bella does.
• That stare will destroy the universe.
• If Edward kills her now we might just get out of this…
• Edward suffers from severe bipolar disorder.
• Apple Cheese. That is all.
• Let the useless dialogue never abate!
• Hair prosthetics for the win!
• How come Edward did all the running but Bella’s out of breath?
• Bella = battered woman’s syndrome + Stockholm syndrome.
• Behold the lesser spotted squatting vampire.
• Meanwhile, at IKEA headquarters…
• Sleep isn’t that fascinating. Really.
• Quickly, back to the travelator!
• She just got thrown against a pillar AND STILL Bella’s face will not move.
• Throw in one last squint stare for good measure and… The End.

Dear God no, looking at one of them is bad enough.

TWILIGHT: NEW MOON

Year of Release: 2009
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 4.5 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

If Twilight taught us the importance of going to outlandish extremes to keep our man, then New Moon teaches us the fundamental importance of self-destructive behaviour when that relationship burns itself out spectacularly. This was also the movie that introduced werewolves into the ‘storyline’.

The werewolves, and particularly Bella and Jacob’s relationship, did get me thinking though. Maybe things are different in small town America, or maybe it’s just cynicism that comes with being in my mid-20s, but if a girl came up to me and told me that she had met this amazing guy with long, luscious hair and a ripped body who liked to run around the woods shirtless and in short shorts with a bunch of other guys in similar attire, I would caution her against such a relationship. Not because there’s anything wrong with it, but just because that kind of relationship doesn’t tend to go very far. But anyways…

• Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
• No one suspects the Inquisition!
• Here, have a shitty onion ring weaver bird nest dream catcher.
• I found it while I was rummaging through your private stuff.
• Damned – like in Hell.
• Come on, let’s go for YET ANOTHER walk.
• If this is about my soul, then you can just bloody well take the damn thing.
• It’s not the best colour on her, but desperation is the only colour Bella owns.
• The Return of Angsty Enya.
• By the sounds of things, someone’s murdering swine.
• Self-destructive lunacy is the best kind of lunacy.
• Hallucinations can be problematic.
• Bitch, have you seen these guns?
• Twilight: New Moon presents: RuPaul’s Drag Wolves.
• What the hell is she screaming about now?
• It’s not gay if it’s in a 3-way.
• Jorts for Jesus!
• Mouth-breathing in the rain.
• I will kill you fastly!
• They transformed into guinea pig wolves.
• The wolf’s out of the bag, so to speak.
• Don’t fill up on bread!
• He has the capacity to brutally kill me – I must have him.
• Even MORE life-threatening behaviour.
• He’s like his own sun, in that it hurts to look at him.
• Come over here while I firmly friend zone you.
• Oh, it’s a beautiful day for some recreational suicide.
• The most uneventful reunion EVER.
• It’s like watching a gay vampiric version of X-Men.
• Have twitchy dreams and crazy eyes!
• Let me just friend zone you one more time and… The End.

TWILIGHT: ECLIPSE

DO IT!!!

Year of Release: 2010
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 4.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

Now, here’s the other thing that pisses me off about the Twilight movies: they’re brilliant at taking good, solid concepts of vampiric lore and turning them into absolute crap. I present, for your consideration, Eclipse‘s rogue vampire, Victoria, starting a whole new brood of vampires that she will lead as an army. Sounds pretty cool, right?

Well, it isn’t. Victoria’s raising said army to go after Bella because her boyfriend and Edward got into a little scrap back in the first movie and her boyfriend ended up as a pile of dust. Pretty lame, right? Well, add this to it: according to these movies, vampires are at their very strongest just after they have turned, and vampires effectively become weaker as they age. Then what the hell’s the point? And then there’s all the usual self-destructive behaviour and the banal love triangle of Bella, Jacob and Edward to enjoy for two hours. Joy.

• Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
• The flowers are blossoming like her womanhood.
• Getting tired of these pseudo-visions.
• Behold the world’s most epic quilt!
• Cue a pseudo-Metallica quote.
• Bella’s kind of like Switzerland but without the fun.
• Dull history lesson is exceptionally dull.
• Pretending to act.
• Those mountains have definitely been green screened.
• You can still see the green screen around her hair.
• Lamest movie yet.
• Misdirected youth for the win!
• EVEN MORE STARES!
• Them Sireens did this to me!
• She pulled the strings and he danced.
• Bring on the awkward sex scene!
• No sex scene.
• He’s 109 years old and needs her father’s permission. Because he’s old school like that.
• I’ll secure the area! But not tonight…
• Edward suffers from chronic constipation.
• I have no body heat – I feel so inadequate.
• Are those polystyrene rocks?
• Fangs? Fangs now? Fangs never…
• A three-movie long vendetta? LAME!
• Heat apparently burns morphine.
• Bella literally stumbles through her life.
• She wants to do it right.
• She gets given a costume jewellery ring.
• Fuck you Stefenie Meyer!
• The End.

You know you need a tan when you’re more see through than water.

TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 1

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 4.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

You know, these movies make very little sense at the best of times, but this one really did take the biscuit. You’re young, you’re in love, and you’ve been saving yourself for just the right guy before you decide that he’s the one who’s going to make you a woman – I can totally respect that. But of all the reasons in the world to wait until you’re wedding day, you hold off because he just might fuck you to death? If someone could ACTUALLY do that, I’d be all over them like it was no one’s business.

That aside, this is when the movies start getting ‘serious’ – Bella EVENTUALLY marries Edward, they screw like awkward bunnies and break several beds, she can somehow still walk, and then she falls pregnant with a child that slowly consumes her. Had this been any other movie this plot might actually have stood a chance of being interesting, but it’s Twilight so it really wasn’t.

• Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
• Yet more terrible green screen.
• Dat angst is back with an almighty vengeance.
• Surely movie 4 is a bit late to do full disclosure?
• Every one keeps telling Bella she’s beautiful. STOP LYING TO THE GIRL! She needs to face reality.
• It’s a slut-back wedding dress.
• Jacob calls no take backsies!
• Shittest. Speeches. Ever.
• Yet another Volvo rolls onto the scene.
• The Volvo just out acted the entire cast.
• Rio – a city built on whoredom.
• Even sex has to be angsty.
• “I promise I’ll try” – try what?
• Chess is so much more fun when you play it on honeymoon.
• Mmm… delicious, uncooked chicken.
• Angsty Enya’s still hanging in there.
• There’s nothing more romantic than delicate stomach caresses.
• A phone doesn’t need a dial tone to make a call.
• Suddenly, a very pregnant Bella appears.
• The love triangle is only justified if she lives.
• Talking wolves = cheese.
• Welcome to IKEA Headquarters Remastered.
• I feel an unepic showdown on the horizon.
• Bella’s not really close to death, she just doesn’t have makeup on.
• Everything’s fun when you soft science with a bendy straw.
• His ‘venom’? Sure, if that’s what you wanna call it…
• Bella as a corpse is better acting than Bella alive.
• Werewolves – foiled by tree climbing.
• Werewolf laws are very convenient.
• Epic montage is unepic!
• Fuck you Bill Condon!
• The End.

TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART 2

Amazonian vampires? Should’ve been cool. Wasn’t.

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Drama / Fantasy
IMDB Rating: 5.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

Now, after just over 8 hours of pain, we arrived at the final chapter of the Twilight ‘saga’. While all of the movies raised a few questions, this one just baffled me. So, Bella gives birth. Question: Edward’s 110-years-old, has no blood, no pulse, he doesn’t breathe, and he doesn’t blink, but somehow he has viable sperm. Really? Secondly, Jacob finally learns why he hasn’t been able to imprint on anyone (i.e. pick his mate) – he was waiting for Bella and Edward’s baby, Renesmee (which, to be honest, is a shit name for a child) so that he could imprint on her. Now, where I come from, that kinda thing is illegal and may well get you lynched.

The saddest thing about this movie, though, is that it was about as close to being epic as this series was ever going to get. It had one whelming battle scene that turned out to be nothing more than a pseudo-vision, and a variety of vampires that should have been awesome but really weren’t. In short, this franchise closes on a decidedly ugh note.

• Fuck you Summit Entertainment!
• Selective sparkling is selective.
• Bella’s back, and she’s in the mood for some violent PG 13 fondling.
• Oh little deer, you are fucked.
• Cougars just became slightly more endangered.
• Barely inferred nipples.
• Bella’s an even bigger bitch now that she’s dead.
• What an impish looking child.
• Suddenly, maternal instincts.
• Loch Ness Monster = bad nickname.
• He fell in love with a single ovum.
• Here, we built and decorated a home in a single day for you.
• I love our generic house from the Home Whore collection.
• Breaking (nipple) Dawn.
• Oh right, I still have a family.
• Shirts for dresses = easy, whorish access.
• Amazonian Vampires, now available with Naomi Campbell hair.
• Amazonian Vampires, now available with LSD powers.
• Tropical Mary’s elbow is a more amazing woman than anyone in this group.
• Smell and taste can never be taken away from you!
• Mentally, Bella has no mental.
• Essentially Edward’s just telling her that she’s a shitty stripper.
• Book burnings save the lives of vampires.
• If it has a hydrangea on the table, you know it’s a classy restaurant.
• Parental angst kicking in!
• Bella just got out acted by a child.
• The Gregorian Masters of Chant are invading!
• We pitched a battle, and then didn’t have a battle.
• This isn’t even remotely close to Sparta.
• MOTHER FUCKING COP OUT!!
• Just wasted 30 minutes of this movie’s runtime for an outcome of nothing.
• Screw your future predictions.
• FUCK ALL THESE FUCKING MOVIES!!
• The End.

FINAL THOUGHTS

So, after over 10 hours of movie, many threats against my life, the Occult Specialist in visible pain and Tropical Mary eating her hair, we finally arrived at the end of the 5 Twilight movies. Now, I’m going to be fair – on a technical, academic level, I can totally see why this franchise is so popular amongst teenagers, especially quite young ones. The movies are just naughty enough without ever really exposing the viewer to anything that may be considered risqué.

Then there’s the angry side of me that sat through all these movies that has an entirely different perspective. But even putting anger and 10 wasted hours aside, these movies are just weak. Nothing in them is an inherently bad (or, to be honest, new) concept, but the execution is abysmal. None of the three primary characters are particularly strong actors, the romance is both strained and very unhealthy, the epic scenes are entirely unepic, vampire lore has been thrown out the window in favour of a glitter gun and the idea that the older a vampire gets, the more useless it becomes. Oh, and for the purposes of these movies, vampires don’t have fangs. I honestly cannot find a single redeeming feature about this franchise at all, and Lord knows I’ve really tried. As an  advocate for reading, I couldn’t even commend the series for getting kids to read again. Illiteracy would be a better option.

But enough of my complaining. Ultimate Movie Marathons are about two things: the prestige of saying that we watched an entire franchise in a single sitting, and some very scientific calculations about the content of the franchise. As I said earlier, breast and death counts would have been pointless in these movies, so we instead went for stares and men’s nipples. In total, over 5 movies with an approximate run time of 10 hours, different characters stared at one another 1517 times. That equates to roughly 2.5 stares for every minute of film. Equally, over the same amount of time, you will be exposed to 161 shots of nipples. That gives us a final stare-to-nipple ratio of 9.4:1.

In closing, I would like to take this opportunity to once again offer my sincerest apologies to my team. I am an educated man, and I should have known better than to think that this was a good idea. Nevertheless, a very big thanks to all of them for sticking by me through this little experiment, and I absolutely promise that I will have no say in the movies for the next UMM.

Another very big thank you to everyone who kept us going through the live tweeting madness, and to all of you who just read everything I wrote. It is much appreciated. Until next time! 🙂

HONEST TRAILER: TWILIGHT

HONEST TRAILER: NEW MOON

HONEST TRAILER: ECLIPSE

HONEST TRAILER: BREAKING DAWN

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11/11/11

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 2.6 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

As someone with siblings, I know how important it is that all children should be dealt with fairly and equally. Because of that, I knew I couldn’t watch 12/12/12 and just ignore its slightly older sibling, hence me suffering through 11/11/11. I will say that this movie isn’t as ludicrously put together as 12/12/12, but oddly enough that isn’t actually a saving grace for this film. Whilst 12/12/12 was so bad that I was reduced to laughing like a crazy person, 11/11/11 is nothing more than an hour-and-a-half of tedium that makes you want to bash your head against the wall. As the Asylum’s answer to 11-11-11 (see how clever they were in making sure the name of the movie was different), this movie combines elements of The Shining, The Omen, Misery, and any number of possessed children films, but sadly does not have the budget or the people with the technical know-how to pull any of it off. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone who may be prone to throwing things at TV sets when a movie becomes frustrating.

Yep, we got demon ‘coons…

The Vales are just the most wonderfully dull family you’ve ever met. Jack, the dad, is a professor of something and is moving his family to a new town to take up a job at the local university. Melissa, the mom, is decidedly bland and doesn’t really contribute much to the film outside of her ability to run to things, look shocked, and then run back. Nat, their son, is (partially) mute and doesn’t do an awful lot of talking. Why? I don’t know, but apparently it adds to the suspense and the DOOM! that’s about to rain down on all of us. What the name of the town they’ve moved to is I don’t know either, but as a general warning just don’t go there. Everyone’s a Stepford Paedophile and, somehow, Nat’s the only kid in town, so you can imagine how they’re all flocking to see him…

That’s a mighty sharp fence you have there…

After the family’s moved in it quickly becomes apparent that they have a little problem: along with the Stepford Paedophiles, they also have a run-of-the-mill Crazy Cat Lady living next door who seems more than a little interested in the fact that Nat will be 11 on the 11th of November 2011. She also seems to be quite free in handing out poisoned lemonade. Then there’s Nat’s Nanny, the poor man’s Megan Fox, who seems to be quite comfortable showing Nat the best way to set a butterfly on fire and how to do malicious damage to private property. Not that Jack notices any of this: he’s too busy hiring nurses to look after his pregnant with pre-eclampsia wife and working at the town’s one-room university. And then there’s all the townsfolk who keep staring through the windows and getting together in the back of the minivan…

Bitch! This isn’t The Asylum’s best nanny race!

So what has all of this got to do with the price of eggs? The Lord alone knows, but therein seems to lie the problem. It would appear that the entire town’s population of 7 are Satanists, and due to his birth date and some bizarre prophecy I wasn’t paying attention to back in 2011 Nat is going to be Satan’s ticket into our world. Whilst the towns people represent the forces of evil, the Crazy Cat Lady represents the forces of good: if she manages to kill Nat before his birthday, the apparently not so omnipotent Devil can’t take over the world, but if she fails to kill him its all going to get a bit hairy for us down here. It’s all up to Jack to try and save the world and his son, which to be quite frank means that we’re probably all boned. Melissa will contribute to this battle by moaning a lot and occasionally slapping her nurse, but ultimately it all comes down to Nat. Can an 11-year-old partially mute kid with clear anger issues ward off the Devil himself? Which and be underwhelmed to find out!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Families bond best when they run down an opossum/cat hybrid.
• Little orange tabby cats can freely change their sex at will.
• Demon spawn are far more accurate than any pregnancy test on the market.
• Painting gutters is always easier when you use a hammer.
• It’s quite common for doctors to drug a woman in early pregnancy up to the eye balls.
• In their attempts to get new jobs, prospective nannies are more than willing to kill off the competition.
• Butterflies are highly flammable creatures.
• Apocalyptic prophecies are now being distributed as children’s books – because it’s never too early to know when the world’s gonna end.
• Giving a child cereal is a decent punishment for walking around the house with a butcher’s knife.
• Small-town cults usually hold their meetings in mini vans.
• Nothing is more powerful than a mother’s drug-addled, demented frenzy.

11/11/11 TRAILER

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The Collapsed

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror / Thriller / Drama / Sci-Fi / Mystery
IMDB Rating: 3.5 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Good God I love movies that fail as epically as this one did! Rarely does one find a movie that attempts to mash together as many genres as The Collapsed did, but in its attempt to be a horror-thriller-drama-sci-fi-mystery ultimate combo, it proved that it couldn’t pull even one of those elements off. I’m not a movie snob (as this site will well attest to), but I do believe that if you’re going to make an end of the world movie, you can only really go one of two ways: option one is to have a big budget so you can make it really convincing or, option two, you make it cheesy enough to distract the audience from the lack of budget. Here, The Collapsed does it wrong again: it wants to be a very serious end of the world movie, but with no budget for the necessary mayhem and destruction. Couple all of this with several attempts on behalf of the director to make the film look artsy and all you’re left with are 82 minutes of unrelenting pain and mind-numbing boredom.

A few apartment fires doth not the end of the world make.

So it’s the end of the world; how it’s the end of the world you’re never going to find out, but ‘the government’, ‘conspiracy’, ‘weapons we’ve never even heard of’ and ‘the horror’ are all phrases being thrown around by survivors of this invisible apocalypse. Our story follows dad Scott, mom Emily, and siblings Aaron and Rebecca as they attempt to find safety and supplies in amongst the few apartment fires and the occasional cannibal that are ravaging their generic movie city. Dad has the strangest accent I’ve ever heard come out of a human being (although I imagine it’s quite similar to how a Swedish person imitating a Canadian accent would sound), but despite this inherent flaw in his being he’s decided that the only way he’s gonna keep his family alive is to make a break for the wilderness. Because nothing bad ever happens when you run off into the woods in a horror movie.

Pursued by cannibals, our young heroine stops to shave her legs…

Getting to the wilderness, however, is going to require that the family does a little road trip. This is set up in such a way that it’s as painful to watch as it would be to do an actual road trip with your own family. Thrown in for not-so-good measure is a half-baked plot point about Scott and Emily’s other son, who apparently has gone missing. He’ll be thrown into conversation every now and then, but since we never see him it doesn’t really matter. Along the way the family discovers an abandoned little shop and decide to stop in and pick up some supplies; this is when things start to go very badly for them. While they’re doing a little shopping and Mom’s taking a bath in a sink, a group of heavily armed men wearing gas masks arrive as well. Making a very slow and blundering escape, the group makes for the surrounding woods, hoping it will provide them with a little safety and respite.

Survivalists of the Corn.

Naturally, the woods offer no protection whatsoever. Our family is still pursued by various groups of crazies, supplies are running low, and there are strange sounds and voices coming from the trees. To judge by the musical score, they’re also being relentlessly pursued by a group of poorly trained trumpeters and cellists, but that’s a separate issue entirely. As members of the family are slowly picked off by the different forces out to get them, Swedish-Canadian Dad needs to think of the best way to keep what remains of his family alive until they can escape this wilderness and find the supposedly safer wilderness he has in mind. Of course, not all enemies out to get you are necessarily mortal with a corporeal form…

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Just because it’s the end of the world, it doesn’t mean we can’t have manners.
• Just because it’s the end of the world, it doesn’t mean that feminine hygiene should be any less of a priority.
• Just because it’s the end of the world, it doesn’t mean the risks of teenage smoking should be taken any less seriously.
• Just because it’s the end of the world, it doesn’t mean that grave-digging techniques should suffer.
• Just because it’s the end of the world, it doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate an old-fashioned rifle that doesn’t blow up in your hand.
• Just because it’s the end of the world, it doesn’t mean that revenge still isn’t a dish best served cold.

THE COLLAPSED TRAILER

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Antfarm Dickhole Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2011
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 1.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 4 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

You know, in all the years I’ve known Tropical Mary, we’ve banded together for some ridiculous adventures. We’ve completed degrees together, we share a faux Italian garden with one another, we started Historically Inaccurate Movie Night together, and a whole bunch of other stuff that wouldn’t have made sense even if you were there to see it. THIS, however, takes the cake. On the advice of Mistylane from CinemaSchminema (seriously, go check out her stuff, it’s amazing) I got my greasy little mitts on this movie and assembled my elite squad of movie watchers (Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist) and got ready to watch Antfarm Dickhole. Long story short, I’m not sure if the guys will ever speak to me again, and it took me and Tropical Mary both rapidly live tweeting to cover all the crap that was going on.

I know it isn’t an Historically Inaccurate Movie, but since the word ‘plot’ isn’t one I’d associate with this movie, I’m gonna present the highly troubled stream of consciousness that happened during our little screening, with names to indicate just who was traumatised at what point.

Far from being the oddest thing in this movie.

Tropical Mary: Thank you Michael Nastri and Bill Zebub for what we are about to watch.

James: Jerking off is about the ride, not the destination. Oh god, right out the gate…

James: The science of being a 40-year-old bully.

Tropical Mary: Confessions of a 40-year-old wedgie.

James: Pockets are not good cupcake holders.

James: There’s no way this is a woman. This is a 17-year-old boy with an epic nipple stand, and the highly visible vag does nothing to convince me otherwise.

Tropical Mary: Ooh, she has a piercing…

James: We now go live to our state-of-the-art ass crack cam.

Tropical Mary: Behold! 3D Internet strippers! With an artistic boob shot thrown in for good measure.

James: The only way this is happening is if it’s holographic porn.

James: We really need a Vag-O-Meter for this movie…

James: Ants = food = Mexican water = Moctezuma’s revenge. Did I get that right?

Tropical Mary: Suddenly, busting some moves in the park.

Tropical Mary: For all that’s going on, why are the adults referring to a penis as a ‘pee pee’?

James: Boondock bikini frolicking – the new Olympic sport.

James: Morning class, welcome to How To Get Raped In The Woods 101.

James: So, army ants migrating north are a sign of a weak US-Mexican border?

James: Evolution psychology VS creationist psychology, neither of which is a real thing.

James: OK, so if an ant burrows into me, technically I own it?

James: That’s just the great hemisphere of life I guess…

James: Who knew you could make a dildo out of playdough?

James: Who talks to the ant colony in their penis?

James: Oh my. I’ve never seen someone have sex with a car before…

James: This one’s serving up some cellulite realness for us now. Oh wait, she’s a neon pink bikini-bedecked scientist.

James: The face of evil is the face of an ant, apparently.

James: This movie really is all about equal opportunity body types.

James: The car wasn’t enough, now he’s having sex with some window blinds.

Tropical Mary: Sex with a car is healthy for the soul and so is sex with a window blind.

James: Trees are sacred to bio-terrorists? Who knew?

James: Human bones usually belong to a dead human. Some class A police work on that one.

James: Up penis scope!

James: Either that banana was meant to be carried by ants, or it was demonically possessed. Either way, that’s gotta hurt.

Tropical Mary: Insecticide is WRONG!!!

James: There really is no joy in watching an OCD stripper take her clothes off.

James: This chick’s right – we really should just photosynthesise our own food.

Tropical Mary: Human photosynthesis = Vitamin D production. Thank God for the diffusion filter ge-filter fish.

James: She’s in the forest with wedge-heeled clogs…

Tropical Mary: …and her boobs look like the face of a newt.

James: Antfarm Dickhole proudly brings you the body types of Chernobyl.

James: I feel like we’re crossing the line into hardcore porn at this point…

Tropical Mary: It’s not porn just yet…

James: How do you squeeze an entire ecosystem into a penis?

James: Time to pull one last anteater out of the bag…

James: Sexual chemistry = ant colony in penis, apparently.

James: Is that Warcraft II music playing in the background?

Tropical Mary: I must get this soundtrack.

James: She died doing jazz hands.

James: Have anteater, will travel.

Tropical Mary: It’s the Saturday Aardvark!

James: Foreskins provide natural lotion. What kind of lotion?

Tropical Mary: Everything’s fun when you soft science!

Tropical Mary: The Delusion? Maybe. God? Definitely not.

James: Good friends flush the toilet for one another.

James: This minor plot can only be true if he’s shitting out liquid metal.

Tropical Mary: Maybe he’s gonna weld something.

James: Alcohol makes a drinking problem that much worse.

Tropical Mary: I have an army in my pants (are they all 5 year olds?!)

Tropical Mary: He will NOT remark that with dignity. Sans dignity. No dignity was had that day.

James: There’s no 12 step plan for this movie. There wasn’t even a plan at its inception.

James: They have a lot of lurking law enforcers in these parts.

James: With friends like Freud who needs animus? This is what happens when 7 random Wikipedia articles are strung together to form a script.

James: Who labels a moonshine container?

James: Eggs don’t need to be fertilised in order for a baby to develop.

James: When all is said and done, this fool has a remarkably robust penis.

Tropical Mary: I see a winky cutting in his future.

James: 3rd nipple for the win!

James: Telekimasturbating is a real art.

Tropical Mary: It can always get worse – more porn!

James: I feel like only an OB/GYN should see this girl like I’m seeing her now.

James: Spider rape – it can happen to you.

Tropical Mary: At least the spider’s whispering sweet nothings in French to her.

James: Bullies function with a hive mentality.

James: Manspider? REALLY?!?

THE END

So yeah, if you can make any sense out of all of that I take my hat off to you. In the wise words of Mistylane, “It’s like a bunch of 12 year olds, high on pixie sticks, got together to make an adult film.” That sums it up really well. There is no understanding of the insect world, film making, adult situations, sex, decent boobs, what a penis looks like or the difference between being attacked by an anteater and getting a so-so blowjob to be found anywhere in this movie. Truly, this is only for the most hardened z-movie goer, and preferably only if you feel you have nothing to lose.

ANTFARM DICKHOLE TRAILER

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