Amazons And Gladiators Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2001
Genre: Adventure / Drama
IMDB Rating: 2.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 4 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Here at the B-Horror Blog we pride ourselves on our varied and eclectic taste in terrible cinema. Whether it’s a terrible monster movie, various kinds of weather wreaking havoc on small towns, questionably scientific escapades, the Twilight franchise, or horrendously Historically Inaccurate movies, you know that Tropical Mary and I will be there. To give you an idea of just how historically inaccurate Amazons and Gladiators (which, by the way, contains no real Amazons or gladiators) is, here’s a run down of the plot: just after the Punic Wars, a man named Crassus (or, in the movie, Crassius) takes down Spartacus, the leader of the Third Servile War against Rome. Under the leadership of an unspecified Caesar, Crassius must do battle against a band of unruly Amazonian women. When the Amazons defeat Crassius, they band together with the Visigoths to bring down the Roman Empire. Now, for a timeline:

• Third Punic War (presumably what the movie is referring to), fought between the Carthaginians and Romans from 149 to 146 BC.
• Third Servile War, led by Spartacus and fought from 73 – 71 BC.
• Marcus Licinius Crassus, lived c. 115 – 53 BC.
  
• Julius Caesar (presumably the Caesar in question), lived 100 – 44 BC.
• Visigoth invasion of Roman Empire, successive invasions from 376 – 382 AD.

And yet this all happens in the space of a few years in this movie. Yeah, can’t say much more about the historical inaccuracy than that. Plus there’s the regular things like appalling acting and not much of a budget, not to mention the thinly veiled accents, although the breasts were really out in force for this one, so that might count for something.

TWO breasts? No Amazon in her right mind would have TWO breasts.

• Wow, Paramount really let itself go with this one…
• Amazons and Gladiators presents: A remedial child’s attempt to learn Linear B.
• Lord Smarmacus has arrived.
• Zanobia, Gwyneth and Serena? Where the hell are we?
• Damn it, she’s still giving gradual chase!
• Connor? Seriously, where the fuck are we?
• Gallo – master of the tuning fork.
• God I love some thumpin’ Roman techno beats…
• Ooh, it’s the Dance of the 5 Veils!
• What a delightful push-up bra this one has on.
• You know, freedom would look really good on you.
• A two-boobed Amazon spy? OK, sure…
• The basic rule of Amazon camp is ‘midriff OUT!’.
• It’s rare to come across such masters of ancient Amazonian pleather.
• Dahlia and Ariel? No seriously guys, where the hell are we?!
• Finally, an answer! We’re in Transylvanian Rome.
• This is the tiniest colosseum you’re ever gonna see.
• Your fate was sealed with a broken ankle.
• Seriously? A broken ankle? Three goddesses dedicated to deciding how people die and they picked a broken ankle? Fuck, that’s a shit way to go…
• Grey Haven? In Transylvanian Rome? With Zanobia, Gwyneth, Serena, Dahlia, and Ariel? I’m so confused…
• Quickly! Kill them with wheat!
• I condemn thee to death by Cornflakes!
• Croissants? In Transylvanian Rome? With Gwyneth and Serena? I’m even more confused.
• The Battle of Grey Haven? Must have missed that somewhere in my 7-year education.
• There’s no better dog than the Roman Alsatian.
• What gorgeous French manicures these Transylvanian Roman whores have.
• Behold! The most underwhelming death of them all!
• The End.

She got a fright from her own nipples.

SCENE FROM AMAZONS AND GLADIATORS

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Raptor Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2001
Genre: Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 2.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium
Breast-O-Meter: 2 /5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

There are few things in life that can guarantee as much fun as an early 2000s movie with cheap animatronic dinosaurs brought back to life by a mad scientist, Eric Roberts and all of his self-importance in the lead role, and a sex scene that we could have sworn was on a perpetual loop. I present to you, dear reader, Raptor, perhaps one of the most glorious achievements of b-cinema I’ve seen yet. I gathered my most of my elite team of movie watchers for this one: Tropical Mary, Stygian Mole, and our newest recruit, Plaas Meisie. There are no words to describe the sheer awesomeness and cheesiness of this movie, but if you’re a fan of b-horror you absolutely NEED to watch this as soon as is humanly possible.

Officer Mom Jeans and Black Cop consult on the case…

As is often the case in these movies, we’re thrown into the middle of some little town in the middle of absolutely nowhere where the most thrilling crime that probably takes place is a little old lady having her dentures stolen. Eric Roberts is the local sheriff, and this gives him the right to practically smear himself with smarmy and then roll around in a vat of self-produced and bottled egotism. Armed with two belts, a pair of mom jeans and a token black deputy, Eric’s ready to find out what happened to those poor drunken teenagers out the middle of the desert – because something ate them up good. Thinking that it was something reasonably standard, like a bear, a cougar or a shark, he’s joined on the investigation by Busty Blonde Animal Control Lady (hereafter referred to simply as ‘Busty’), but she’ll be damned if she knows what killed the kids. Maybe it has something to do with the recent spate of mass-chicken murders happening all along the county’s various highways?

This was just unholy and unnatural…

Over at the Eunice corporation (nominally a chicken manufacturing plant, whatever that may be, and which is still running blue-screen DOS computers by the looks of things), something’s more than a little amiss. There are far too many crazy scientists in would-be berets pushing far too many flashing buttons on control panels for this to be a simple chicken farm. Of course, for the omnivident viewer, we know that the trucks transporting enormous numbers of chickens is simply a cover up – that’s how Eunice Corp. is transporting all of its raptor and t-rex eggs between its different facilities after one of the raptors escaped into the desert. Being a team of maybe four people, however, means that the people at this particular facility aren’t doing a great job keeping track of their genetically re-created little monsters, and more and more are starting to wreak havoc on the little town.

Disco T-Rex is getting down tonight!

For Officer Mom Jeans the problem becomes personal after his sweet, innocent little girl is attacked by one of the raptors after getting it on with a man twice her age and squealing like a little pig while they did it on the back of his pickup truck. But how exactly does one small town sheriff take on a giant company like Eunice Corp.? Infiltration and a Busty sidekick – that’s how.  The two of them are determined to get to the bottom of what’s going on, but there’s a little more going on behind the scenes that they don’t know about. Apparently this whole dinosaur resurrection process originally began as a government military operation for fighting overseas, so they also want in on the action when they realise that their supposedly cancelled project is back online. Can Eric Roberts’ seemingly infinite supply of self-satisfaction conquer the might of an angry, resurrected mother T-Rex? Do silicone boobs move at all? Why are everyone’s intestines in this movie brown? Watch, dear reader, and have all of these questions answered.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• ‘Whatever happened, happened here’ is usually how most police investigations start.
• Deserts can be right quirky creatures sometimes.
• Character enhancement is best done with copious amounts of silicone.
• Surprised raptors shed their toenails like geckos shed their tails.
• If it’s not as intense as black ops, and at least 2 black guys are involved, it classes as dark ops.
• Most companies have emergency spaceship entrances installed in their elevators.
• Clones can be pulled out of thin air and given all the memories of the original person.

RAPTOR TRAILER

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Friday the 13th: The Ultimate Movie Marathon

Welcome to a tale of joy, a tale of wonder, a tale of murder, friendship and redemption in the aftermath of terrible tragedy. I’m talking, of course, about the ultimate movie marathon: all the Friday the 13th movies back to back. I thought the idea up a while ago when it dawned on me that I hadn’t seen all of them. No horror fan worth their salt should have to say that. The plan evolved over time: originally I was going to do it solo, and then it was only the first 9 movies. When I mentioned the idea to Stygian Mole he was thrilled and wanted to join in. Now, as the old saying goes, where there’s a Stygian Mole there’s a Tropical Mary, and now both of them were going to join me for this movie marathon. Word got out a little more and before I knew it one of my cousins got involved. Lacking a Twitter name, he will simply be referred to as the Occult Specialist. Because he’s a goth.

The plan came together beautifully and we all assembled on the chosen day. Armed with mattresses, blankets, 16 litres of Coke, many bags of snacks, money for pizza halfway through the evening and several boxes of cigarettes we were ready to take on the monumental task that lay before us. We started at 10:30 in the morning; Tropical Mary and I would alternate between movies when it came to the live tweets. About 3 movies in it was decided (and instigated by Tropical Mary) that we should watch Jason X and Freddy VS Jason as well, just to make it a complete adventure. At times it got very frightening and we went through a rollercoaster of good scares, funny one liners, horrible outfits, good movies, terrible movies, you name it, we saw it. It came to an end at 5 the next morning; +-18 hours and 11 movies later we had finished what we set out to do. By this point most of the movies had just blurred together into one giant slasher fest, but it was completely worth it. This will be the first of our Ultimate Movie Marathons and, while we decide on which horror series to tackle next, I will give you a brief rundown of each of the movies 🙂

FRIDAY THE 13TH

Year of Release: 1980
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 6.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Where it all began, back in the day when flannel was all the rage and Kevin Bacon was running around in a speedo with absolutely no shame. It doesn’t feel right to compare this movie to the rest of the series since Jason is nowhere to be found. Long before the supernatural Jason that simply wouldn’t die there was poor little Jason who drowned at Camp Crystal Lake when the camp counsellors weren’t looking. To avenge the death of her little boy Pamela Voorhees, Jason’s mother, stalks the camp and kills anyone who tries to get it going again. The tragedy has led her to develop a split personality with Pamela and Jason taking turns at controlling the body. The Jason personality is out for revenge and the kids will have to try and survive a storm and make it through the night if this series is going to reach the ridiculous heights it eventually does.

The franchise’s first entry owes a lot to Psycho and is a good example of a simple slasher movie done right. Failing all else it should be seen as a valuable history lesson to any young and aspiring horror fan. Also, while this movie doesn’t have Jason in it in any serious way, it did begin the wonderful Friday the 13th tradition of having someone predict the horrible DOOM! that awaits the series’ various horny teenagers.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• At some point in the 80s the world was struck by a debilitating shirt famine.
• Watching Kevin Bacon prance around in a speedo is guaranteed to make you feel like a pedophile.
• Butchering a snake is a sure-fire way to make yourself feel manly.
• Evidence from a crime scene should always be handled senselessly.
• Peter Stuyvesant is the perfect after action satisfaction.
• When all your friends are missing and you’ve found a bloody axe you should definitely go check the generator on your own.

FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART 2

Year of Release: 1981
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 5.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Low

The first dip in the series. After our bowl-haired heroine beheaded Pamela Voorhees in the first movie the powers that be needed to introduce a new killer to keep the series going. Enter Jason Voorhees, the slashing madman who would go on to become synonymous with this series of movies. It’s still early days and Jason doesn’t have superhuman strength and power and the hockey mask isn’t anywhere to be seen. This movie also began the second great Friday the 13th tradition of having a flashback to the previous movie before any of the action begins.

Bowl-Hair has been brutally murdered after discovering Pamela’s head in her fridge. It turns out that Jason didn’t actually drown all those years ago and, having witnessed his mother’s murder, has come out of hiding to seek revenge. Five years later another bunch of kids is trying to re-establish Camp Crystal Lake. Like the kids in the first movie none of our new characters wants to hear about the DOOM! that awaits them on the seemingly tranquil shores of Crystal Lake. Jason, meanwhile, since he’s not the sharpest machete in the shed, is incapable of understanding that these kids had nothing to do with his mother’s death and is taking them out one-by-one. This becomes particularly amusing when a kid in a wheelchair gets an axe to the head and takes a little ride down a flight of stairs. This, unfortunately, was not enough to dig this movie out of snoresville. The main problem is that, by the time the end comes around, you feel like you’re only halfway through. The story wasn’t developed enough and you don’t particularly care who makes it and who doesn’t. The four of us were actually a lot more emotionally invested in the puddle with a rock in the middle of it that cropped up from time to time. Quite honestly I feel that the puddle actually deserved a place in the end credits.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• While 1980 had a great shirt famine, 1981 experienced a terrible Kevin Bacon famine.
• Hair care products really weren’t a very big deal back in the 80s.
• Ginger kids do not, in any way, look good in shorts made from their mom’s kitchen curtains.
• Before engaging in sex playing a harmonica is a great way to get both yourself and your partner in the mood.
• Placing your back to an open window is never the best place to hide.
• Hippies, despite their calm demeanour, can be remarkably resilient in a crisis.

FRIDAY THE 13TH: PART III

Year of Release: 1982
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 5.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Ah, the first of so many things. This movie was definitely a step up from the last one and marks the first appearance of Jason’s hockey mask. The machete still isn’t the weapon of choice but we can let that slide. It was also the first time a movie in the series was available in 3D. I sincerely wish I could’ve watched this movie in a theatre with the old red and blue glasses 🙂

We’re not gonna take years to pick the story up again so this movie takes place the day after the second one. Jason’s alive and kicking and in need of some new clothes. Two dead people and the unexplained fate of a cute rabbit later and Jason’s all decked out and ready to go. Elsewhere a girl named Chris is getting ready to take a holiday at Crystal Lake. A few years before that (a made-up flashback tells us) she was attacked by a mysteriously deformed stranger and this holiday’s geared towards her facing and overcoming her fears. She’s accompanied by her friends that’re the usual bunch of idiots, nerds with a Jew fro, jocks and sluts. Along the way they also end up with three uninvited members of a bike gang, all of which Jason’s gonna have a lot of fun with. None of the horror that’s about to unfold would have happened, of course, if any of the kids had listened to the local town drunk that warned them of the DOOM! they’d come across around Crystal Lake.

This movie established the archetype Jason that was used in the rest of the movies; since the four of us all had our idea of what Jason should be like (based on more recent developments in the character) this made the movie a lot more enjoyable. While the pace was even slower than the second one the killings were far more in line with the Jason that we’ve all come to know and love.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Wearing hair rollers automatically turns a woman into a nagging hag.
• A ‘Thriller’ outfit is only truly complete when you attach a racoon’s tail to it.
• Horny teenagers are known to juggle apples and oranges despite many sayings advising against similar practices.
• The Jason Voorhees is a well-known ambush predator native to camp-based territories.
• There’s something wrong with a group when the hippies make the final surviving four.
• Jason will not be defeated by a simple spade.
• Jason – creating one mental patient at a time.

FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER

Year of Release: 1984
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 5.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

Now we’re at the point where the series started to get cheesy. We’re also at the first concluding chapter of the series 😉 After an all-encompassing flashback that recapped everything we just watched, followed closely by some exploding credits, our story got under way. After a clean up crew has picked up the littered bodies from the third movie and taken Jason to the morgue our mask-bedecked psycho slasher comes back to life and kills a few hospital staff members before making his way back to Crystal Lake.

Given that movies 2, 3 & 4 all take place within a matter of days it’s absolutely amazing that yet another bunch of fools would want to take a little holiday up at Crystal Lake but, lo and behold, we have another group of stupid teenagers on our hands. To mix things up a little we also have a mother-daughter-son combo living across the way from the stupid teenagers. Far too many of their names start with the letter ‘t’ to make remembering them possible but one thing remains the same: teenagers are always in the mood for a little slutty premarital sex. When not engaging in slutty premarital sex they spend most of their time thinking about having slutty premarital sex (and trying to pass off having a stroke as dancing). With Jason becoming angrier and angrier as time goes on be sure to look out for one of the best deaths yet: harpoon to the groin! This movie introduced the character of Tommy Jarvis to the series’ canon and it’ll be up to this remarkably capable child to bring down a killer. It says something about people when a 10-year-old can succeed where fully grown adults can’t…

The movie ends with Jason being violently hacked to pieces with a machete, supposedly bringing the series to a close and ending Jason’s reign of terror once and for all.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Nurses are known, at times, to wear their dignity around their ankles.
• There were still no hair care products in 1984.
• 10-year-olds usually have the necessary qualifications and expertise to become car mechanics.
• A screwdriver can fix most of the problems your car’s engine may experience.
• Pants are for the weak!
• It’s completely normal to allow strange men you picked up on the side of the road to take your 10-year-old son up to his room unaccompanied.
• Your friends’ corpses double up as effective force fields.
• Jason disapproves of your crass, homophobic humour!
• Erectile dysfunction was a necessary ailment for men to wear 80s shorts.

FRIDAY THE 13TH: A NEW BEGINNING

Year of Release: 1985
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: High

Our sanity was still intact but sadly the quality of the series was about to take a drastic downward turn. As the people behind the scenes clutched at a few more straws to come up with a story line the level of gratuitous breast shots went up and flannel, which had been in a steady decline since the first movie, decided to come back with a vengeance. If you pay careful attention you’ll notice that the majority of the kills in this movie are simple rehashings of Part III. A New Beginning is also the second movie in the series to not feature Jason as the killer. While this may have been the new beginning it would take a lot of glossing over in the movies to come to wipe these events from our minds.

4 years after the last movie 10-year-old Tommy Jarvis has SORASed and looks to be somewhere in his early 20s now. Traumatised by the death of his mother and Jason’s attack on him and his sister he has spent the time since then being shunted from one mental institution to another. On this particular day he’s being taken to the Pinehurst Halfway House, a little secluded spot in the woods for troubled teens. The idea is that those that live there must work to earn their keep and learn how to become productive members of society. That plan’s all well and good until one of the kids with anger issues takes an axe to the back of the weird kid obsessed with candy bars. It also doesn’t help that two of the kids have this constant need to go off and have filthy premarital sex in the corn field next door. The farm belongs to as trailer a hick as you could possibly imagine and her son (who, by the looks of it, would probably fit in at Pinehurst just fine) and this woman’s determined to shut this special haven in the woods down right away.

And then the killings start. The killings are good (man, tree, belt, face, pressure) but the movie isn’t paced very well and most of the kids are painfully irritating so the balance is a little off. With Jason dead Tommy becomes the natural suspect. After all, the killings started up right after he arrived. The truth, however, is far more lame. With very little imagination or thought expenditure our little group of 4 guessed who the killer was (mainly because he’s creepy and focussed on a lot more than his character seemingly deserves) so there’s no suspense in waiting for the revelation or clever twist to make it all worth it. All in all, a very disappointing 90 minutes.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• (Plumber) crack is whack.
• There is no dignity in dying in an outhouse.
• Stew always tastes better when you add just a hint of human blood.
• Black kids don’t scream.
• Chainsaws are a lot more effective weapons when you fill them up with diesel.
• Paramedics have to undergo intensive insensitivity training before they’re given the job.

JASON LIVES: FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI

Year of Release: 1986
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 5.4 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

After the progressive downward spiral of the last two movies myself and the assembled company were really glad to see that this movie turned things around. Sadly this wasn’t to last but Jason Lives was one of my personal favourites of the day. With A New Beginning being the utter disaster that it was there was a need to bring Jason back as the killer, and it’s in this movie that he becomes the supernatural homicidal maniac that we’ve all come to have a great big soft spot for. This also seems to be the point where the series stopped taking itself seriously and decided to have a little fun with Jason’s character. Also, 6 movies later, one of the many camps we’ve been subjected to finally had children in it!

Tommy Jarvis is back and he has a lightning rod! Freshly escaped from the loony bin and the memory of A New Beginning forgotten Tommy’s gonna dig up Jason’s corpse, pour a gallon of petrol over it, set it alight and rid himself of the memory of the 4th movie. This plan backfires a little when Jason, who was very dead to begin with, is stabbed with a very long metal pole by a rage-filled Tommy. A storm appears out of nowhere and lightning strikes the metal rod, re-animating Jason’s corpse. A new and improved Jason is born and he’s out for revenge and murder!

The town of Crystal Lake is now known as Forest Green, an attempt by the locals to forget the horrors that have occurred there and bring a little more tourism to the area. Jason, however, will never forget his way home and, luckily for him, yet another bunch of fools has gone and reopened the original Camp Crystal Lake. Tommy makes his way into town to try and warn people but, when his story about bringing the rotten corpse of Jason back to life falls on deaf ears, he teams up with Megan, the sheriff’s daughter, to try and save as many people as he can. Tommy has to outrun the cops and become an amateur expert in the occult in order to (once again) bring Jason’s reign of terror to an end – this time by tying a noose round his neck, tying it to a rock and dropping him to the bottom of the ever-infamous Crystal Lake. Full circle and all that.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Grave digging is a brilliant way to gain a little closure in the aftermath of a tragedy.
• Dumb white boyfriends will be the downfall of their smart white girlfriends.
• Despite being a little corpsey Jason has some really tight buns on him.
• Manly gingers are known for their intense exercise routines.
• It can be difficult to tell the difference between two people having sex and two people having a simultaneous fit.
• Gas stations are great for picking up milk, eggs and manuals on the occult.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD

Year of Release: 1988
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

And thus the roller coaster of quality in the Friday the 13th franchise begins again. At least we were being offered some cheesy goodness with this one; it was a nice warm up to prepare us for the unrelenting hell that would be Jason Takes Manhattan. While the killings became slightly more gruesome in this one (it does, after all, have the infamous sleeping bag scene in it) and Jason becomes even more of a rotten corpse, the inclusion of telekinesis and girls with age-old daddy issues just seemed to be clutching at even more straws. This was also the point for me where reality and film began to blur, most likely the effect of over 12 hours of movies and near-toxic levels of sugar, caffeine and nicotine in my blood stream.

Little Tina Shepherd is a troubled girl. Living in an abusive household, she’s frequently subjected to hearing her mother being beaten by her father. One night is one night, however, and Tina’s had enough. After rowing out into the middle of the Crystal Lake (where Jason just happens to be floating around) and tapping into her raw, limitless psychic powers, she causes the pier her father is standing on to collapse, along with its roof, sending him into the water with enough extra wood to pin him down there. Tragic, so tragic.

Daddy issues make women scary and volatile at the best of times, but throw in some uncontrolled telekinetic powers and you just know all hell’s gonna break loose. Tina, along with her mother and doctor, have returned to Crystal Lake 10 years later to help her overcome her crippling guilt over killing her dad. Next thing you know Tina’s sent out some crazy psychic vibrations in the wrong direction and, Bob’s your uncle, Jason’s alive again. Luckily for him there’s a whole group of randy teenagers also renting a house nearby and the air is rife with booze and premarital sex. It’s gonna take Tina, all her psychic powers, a loveable jock and the penitent spirit of Tina’s dad to send Jason back to the bottom of the lake.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Even as the 80s drew to a close hair care products were an unheard of luxury.
• Grammar are grammar like woods is woods (side thought: told you we were losing it by this point).
• Wearing an all-denim ensemble is guaranteed to result in your death.
• Whilst still a member of the mullet family, the toplet mullet is a distinctive style with its own brand of awful.
• Sedans don’t function well as off-road vehicles.
• Having telekinetic and pyrokinetic powers doesn’t automatically mean that you’re useful in a difficult situation.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VIII: JASON TAKES MANHATTAN

Year of Release: 1989
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.1 / 10
Level of Awful: High

If the sounds of an animal dying a particularly harrowing death could be interpreted in cinematic form it would take the appearance of Jason Takes Manhattan. A more appropriate title for the movie would have been Jason Takes a Small Boat, a Back Alley and a Sewer System. By this point I had virtually lost all touch with reality and this little gem wasn’t doing anything to help me out. You can completely see why unleashing Jason in late-80s New York sounded like an amazing idea, but rarely has a great concept been so utterly screwed up as it was in this movie.

So, after the events of the last movie, Jason is once again stuck at the bottom of Crystal Lake. Two teenagers, caught up in the steamy passion that is premarital sex, don’t notice when their boat’s anchor snags an underwater power line, electrocuting the entire lake and once again bringing Jason back to life. After killing the two teenagers and procuring a new hockey mask Jason sets out to begin a new reign of terror. Fortunately for him Crystal Lake has developed a tributary system that lets the water out into the ocean. Arriving at the sea Jason grabs hold of a boat full of graduate students heading for Manhattan, and you just know there’s gonna be lustful premarital sex going on in those wood-paneled cabins. Prepare for yet another round of DOOM!!!!

This story focuses on Rennie, an awkward girl suffering from unexplained anxiety, who mysteriously begins to have visions of Jason drowning as a child. The purpose of these visions (which occur with irritating regularity) is never really explained, nor is a reason for Rennie having them in the first place forthcoming. Nevertheless, while Rennie may or may not be suffering the side effects of drug experimentation, Jason’s killing people. Jason keeps on killing people until the boat eventually docks in Manhattan, whereupon he starts killing even more people. Let loose in a city full of neon graffiti, punks and angry, drug-addicted hippies, it’ll take Rennie, her odd visions, her meek boyfriend and Manhattan’s entire population simultaneously taking a dump to take Jason out this time round.

As a side thought this movie inspired Tropical Mary and I to come up with a new Friday the 13th movie – Part XII: Jason VS the New York Ho. Now there’s an ultimate showdown for you!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Polony nipples are the devil’s playground.
• Stephen King wrote his original manuscripts with an ink pot.
• There’s a good chance that Jason is the kid from The Grudge.
• There was murder on the dance floor but even that didn’t kill the groove, DJ.
• Jason was rolling, rolling, rolling on the river.
• No one in 80s New York had the faintest idea how heroin worked.
• Jason disapproves of premarital rape.
• Never let a woman high on heroin drive the escape vehicle.
• With great moustaches come great responsibility.
• Toasty fried Voorhees – Just the way mama used to make it.

JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY

Year of Release: 1993
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 4.1 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

And the dance of death for this franchise continues. Unlike previous movies, however, this one’s not even going to try and explain how we got from part 8 to here. Jason’s back and that’s all you need to know. By this point I think the people behind the franchise were so desperate to pit Freddy and Jason against one another they would do just about anything to make that plotline feasible. Sadly this was the best they could come up with. To think that, until Jason X was released 8 years later, fans had to deal with this as the concluding chapter makes me more than just a little sad.

So Jason, by means unknown, is back. The FBI, in the 4 years since his ‘rampage’ in the New York sewer system has also set up a special task team to deal with him. They hire their bustiest agent (one who just looks like she’d be ready to have premarital sex at the drop of a hat) to lure him into a cabin in the woods before the snipers blow him to kingdom come. But evil runs much deeper than the shell it inhabits and, when the coroner discovers Jason’s heart is still beating, the essence / soul / spirit / demon / black corn syrup of this demented killer unleashes itself and begins possessing people.

To drive this plot along it turns out that Jason has a half-sister that, surprisingly, has never been mentioned until this very day. Through her Jason also has a niece. In order to be reborn he will need to possess one of them and morph their body back into his. The malevolent twist in the tale is that, while he needs to possess one of them, they are the only ones capable of sending him to the inner most circle of hell. Jessica, the niece, will do this with the help of a mysterious mystical dagger which one member of the Voorhees family managed to come into possession of in a time that isn’t mentioned. In amongst all this she’ll have to save her baby, face issues surrounding her divorce, deal with the fact her boyfriend is trying to kill her and realise that a demon can enter a corpse not only through the mouth, but also through the vagina. Failure to overcome all these obstacles will result in certain DOOM!!!!!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Some thongs become so buried there’s no point in ever trying to dig them back out.
• Soul smears can be used to test for the presence of pure evil.
• A fun weekend includes smoking pot, having premarital sex and getting slaughtered.
• 20 to wonder llama and stroking pods (again, this was very late into the day and our ability to comprehend the English language was going into decline).
• Mouth to mouth soul regurgitation is a tricky, but highly effective, skill to learn.
• Prophecies sneak up on you from out of nowhere.
• Before shooting someone policemen often drop it like it’s hot.
• The aliens will eventually send Jason to hell.

JASON X

Year of Release: 2002
Genre: Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 4.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

Ah, the movie that inspired this day of Jason madness. You can read my full review for this entry here. In my opinion this is one of the best movies in the series, and, since me and my loyal crew had been glued to the TV for over 12 hours at this point, it was definitely a welcome break after the mind-numbing awfulness that was Jason Goes to Hell.

FREDDY VS JASON

Year of Release: 2003
Genre: Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 5.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Surprise!

A hush fell over the room; was it possible that we were only one movie away from finishing our epic movie marathon? Had we really been going for around 15 hours doing this? Yes, yes we had. I’ve seen Freddy VS Jason a number of times, but I was ready to go into it with fresh eyes (figuratively – in a literal sense my eyes felt like sandpaper and I think I’d lost the ability to blink at this stage) and see how the series had led to this point. It was 10 years after the release of Jason Goes to Hell for the franchise and one epic day for us, but Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees were finally going to have their showdown.

We’re not at Crystal Lake any more kids! After the events of Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare and Jason Goes to Hell the movies’ respective killers are both trapped in, well, hell. Jason, not being much of a bright spark, probably doesn’t notice, but Freddy’s pissed off as hell (see what I did there?). The parents of Springwood have figured out a way to keep him out of their children’s dreams (and if it requires some mind altering drugs and forced detainment then so be it). Freddy needs to find a way to make the kids afraid again, and Jason’s just the psycho to do it. Disguised as Jason’s dear sainted mother Freddy convinces him to return to life and pop over to Springwood for a little murder spree. If people start to think that Freddy’s doing it, Freddy can make his come back.

Everything’s going fine until it turns out that Jason’s very greedy when it comes to his killings. He wants to kill everyone himself, and neither him nor Freddy is really prepared to share. Trapped in the impending chaos are Lori and her friends and, a bit later, her boyfriend Will, who’s been locked up in a mental asylum for a few years now. The dangers they face are astronomical – they can’t sleep, no where in town is really a Jason-free zone, their parents are after them and there’s hardly any free time to squeeze in a round of premarital sex. Prepare yourselves for the ultimate movie bad guy showdown!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• The exposed breast 100m dash is a gruelling athletic event.
• Women will trip on anything, even things that aren’t there.
• If your girlfriend’s a smoker you should only kiss her after she’s had a menthol.
• Clever kids will run out the house in a group after discovering one of their friends has been brutally murdered.
• Kids have more blood in them these days but it’s a thinner consistency.
• If you love your kids – drug them.
• Smug parents should be rated 1 – 10 on the Eric Roberts scale.
• The glam rhythm will get you.
• Conversations about your enforced convalescence at a mental asylum are awkward.
• You can get good distance with a glam kid.
• Jason disapproves of premarital porcine sex.
• The alarm clock is mightier than the horse tranquiliser.

FINAL THOUGHTS

And thus it all came to an end. Somehow the four of us had gone from watching the first 9 movies to watching all 11. While Stygian Mole and the Occult Specialist were familiar with the franchise I realised I had only seen parts 1, 3, Jason X and Freddy VS Jason, while Tropical Mary had only seen Freddy VS Jason. The two of us have been friends for many years now but this experience only cemented the very strange and highly dysfunctional bond between us. The sugar come down the next day was a bitch, but it was well worth it. At the end of the day Michael Myers will always own that special place in my heart reserved for your favourite fictional serial killer, but Jason is special to me as well now. When the going was good it was great, when it was bad it was downright abysmal. But how many people can say they dedicated an entire day to watching all the Friday the 13th movies back to back with one another? Probably quite a few, but it makes us feel hardcore anyway 🙂

One last time I’d like to give a very big thanks to my three crew members; I don’t think I could have done this alone and they certainly did make it a day to remember. Thanks to Stygian Mole, the final death and breast scores were 177 kills and a Breast-O-Meter reading of 23.5. This translates to a death-to-breast ration of roughly 4:1.

Of course, the problem that came in after we had finished with this movie marathon was what we were going to do next. Well, some of us are a little sketchy on the events of A Nightmare on Elm Street, and it would bring the final movie of the day together nicely were we to watch the other franchise that led to it being made. Maybe, just maybe…

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Do You Wanna Know A Secret

Year of Release: 2001
Genre:  Horror / Thriller
IMDB Rating: 2.9 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Oh dear dear dear. First of all, before we even tackle the movie itself, I have a simple question: where the hell is the question mark at the end of the title? It really doesn’t bode well when the makers of the film couldn’t even get their title to be grammatically correct. Secondly, despite its somewhat I Know What You Did Last Summer cover this really is just one more poorly made slasher movie about bratty college kids in a heavily polluted ocean of poorly made slasher movies about bratty college kids. And last, but certainly not least, yes I would like to know a secret. With this suggestive title one might imagine that we would receive enlightenment about this great secret that drives the plot but sadly this is not the case. At least I don’t think it’s the case. If what happens at the end is the secret, then this movie is even lamer than if there wasn’t a secret.

Big... word... make... head... HURT!

But before I can begin telling you the wonderous magnificence of this movie we need some back story that the main plotline can be painfully birthed from later. A college student of the male persuasion is in his shabby chic little room (minus the chic bit) listening to music by the glow of a lava lamp when someone slips a note under his door. On the note the words ‘Do You Wanna Know A Secret?’ (see, how come they could put the question mark in here but not in the title? Continuity issues…) are emblazoned in giant red marking pen. Being a curious lad who would indeed love to know a secret he wanders out into the corridor looking for the person who so sneakily sent the note. The corridors are teaming with as much life as a zombie that’s been out in the sun for 10 years so he returns to his room to continue getting dressed. Just as he walks in a robed figure, emerging from the shadows, marches into the room armed with an axe and brutally murders him. In a touching moment the man lies there, his last seconds of life slipping away, clinging to the shattered photo of him and his girlfriend.

Suddenly, a Chuck Norris Impressionists convention breaks out...

Now whilst all of this is very sad a year has passed and the one-time flame of the dead man needs to move on with her life. Now, what’s a square-faced girl fresh out of rehab, on very strong (what I’m assuming to be) antipsychotics and with a new piece of boy candy on her arm to do with her life? Oh yeah, that’s right: spring break (in winter) and debaucherous antics with her closest and bitchiest friends! So off Beth (ex of the dead man) and Hank (new boyfriend of the ex of the dead man) go to Florida to meet up with Tina (blonde slut), Nellie (Latina slut), Oz (token black guy) and Brad (token disturbed white bloke). When they arrive in Florida the world becomes their oyster; there are just so many fun things to do without parental supervision that the mind boggles. I mean this group are every bit as hardcore in their partying as Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia ever were. But something is about to go wrong. After disembarking from their boat after a night of boozing and cruising (don’t worry, there appears to have been a designated captain) Brad is killed by a robed man while tying up the boat.

Why yes, I am surprised. Why do you ask?

Not that the death of their friend seems to have any major impact on the group, mind you. Assuming that Brad’s gone off on a bender or met up with a hooker the remaining group of friends press on with their binge and purge cycle of copious amounts alcohol in the evening followed by copious amounts of fruit juice in the morning. The fact that the words ‘Do You Wanna Know A Secret?’ are scrawled across Brad’s computer screen don’t even alert them to the fact that something might be wrong. It takes Beth actually seeing the robed and masked figure killing another man in a parking lot for her to realise that something is in fact wrong and that her life may be in danger. Unfortunately for her Florida seems to be filled with backwood hicks for policemen and they refuse to let her or her friends leave until they can figure out what’s going on. Even the FBI are powerless to do anything in the face of a local sheriff. But as the murderer reappears and mysteriously manages to keep breaking into their unlocked, doors-wide-open mansion and slowly kill them off one by one, the time must come for Beth to face her fears, figure out if she would perhaps like to know a secret and stop the killer before it’s too late.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• It’s quite common for women to experience 3 dreams in one while dealing with a tragic loss.
• In a bartering society women will often flash their breasts in exchange for a taco.
• Some people don’t realise that you need to turn a computer on before you can do anything with it.
• Discussing brutally slaughtered boyfriends tends to ruin a party mood.
• Non-bitchy women dream of growing up to become enormous bitches one day.
• The only thing stopping some women from going after the Pope is not knowing where Rome is.
• Some women don’t mind having their drinks spiked. To them it’s just a new experience.
• It’s unnatural for people to die while on vacation.

DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET TRAILER

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Demonicus

Year of Release: 2001
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 2.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 0 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

As a fun fact about me I’d like to say that I’m an ancient history geek. Specifically I am incredibly interested in Roman history so, when I heard of a movie called Demonicus, I thought that it would be the perfect opportunity to bring together my two seemingly disparate loves: Roman history and watching z-grade horror movies. I hunted high and low to find this one because (surprisingly) nobody seemed to have heard of it and certainly nobody seemed to want to stock it. My efforts eventually paid off and I wasn’t disappointed: it certainly is one of the worst movies I have seen in a very long time. Technical and historical inaccuracies aside Demonicus was clearly made on a minute budget with people who don’t seem to have any acting experience (I don’t care what IMDB says) in a place that looks nothing remotely like Italy. Put your boots on and follow me! We’re gonna hike up Mount Demonicus…

A far less dramatic crossing of the Rubicon…

Our story begins in Italy as a group of 5 friends and their college professor (all of whom look about the same age) have decided to take a little holiday / do some research on the history of Roman slavery. As part of their itinerary they’re going to spend a few days in the Italian part of the Alps and, for fun, decide that they’ll go up in twos and see who can make it to base camp first. How anyone will get to base camp at all is a mystery since it’s just some random spot under a few trees. Nevertheless the kids seem quite eager and set out on their respective ways and expect to make it to the camp within a day or two. This is where James comes in (why must all the really dumb villains share a name with me?). Leading the pack with his girlfriend whose name I can’t remember he stumbles upon a mysterious cave. While exploring the cave a very quite rockfall happens, exposing a secret chamber containing the body of a dead gladiator. Apparently the rocks created some kind of vacuum that freeze-dried the body so the corpse and all the weapons are remarkably intact.

Only Demonicus makes his Mortal Stew from 100% organic human flesh.

Now James clearly isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed and decides that the best thing to do upon making this discovery is to try on the dead gladiator’s helmet. As any ancient historian knows the armour of gladiators is often possessed by demonic spirits and should be handled with the utmost care, but James doesn’t seem to be aware of this fact. As soon as he puts the helmet on things that look like the Wisps from Warcraft III appear above his head and he becomes possessed by the spirit of Tyranus (the naming of the demon is very complicated in this movie). With most possessions there comes some epic music, and Demonicus proves to be no exception in this regard and we are entertained by a good 10 minutes or so of James / Tyranus playing with his new weapons, making a variety of different stances and then watching it all over again from a different camera angle. Once he grows tired of this he runs outside and kills his former girlfriend so that he can chop her up and use parts of her in the stew he’s making. With that done he heads out on patrol looking for his other friends so that they too can become a part of the special meal he’s preparing.

Got eye milk?

So you see, way back in the day, there was this man named Spartacus. He was a slave who led a rebellion against the Roman Republic and was a serious thorn in the Romans’ side for a few years. Turns out, and I wouldn’t have known this without watching the movie, that he had a buddy, Demonicus. While Spartacus bravely fought for the good of the slaves Demonicus fought only for evil. When Spartacus and the other slaves were crucified at the end of the revolt Demonicus went and hid in the hills. James, now possessed by Tyranus (which is apparently Demonicus’ real name), must prepare a stew of human body parts and prepare a victim (who just happens to be a virgin) for Demonicus to eat once he’s been resurrected (but not in James’ body). See? Told you it was all very confusing.

Be prepared to see a lot of running around in the woods, some very poor attempts at brutish masculinity, random fights and cheap costumes and effects. Not for the faint of heart or those unaccustomed to watching bad horror movies.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

• Being punched in the face will heal a sword wound in your stomach perfectly.
• You don’t need any hiking gear to go hiking in the Alps.
• When hiking through the alps for days you should always break off in twos rather than travel in one safe group.
• Randomly stringing Latin phrases together will revive undead gladiators.
• A coffee table book on Rome will give you all the information you need to combat a demonic gladiator.
• A single soul can be resurrected in numerous bodies.

DEMONICUS TRAILER

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