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Hookers in a Haunted House

Year of Release: 1999
Genre: Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 2.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 10 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

Sometimes life just kind of happens, and for the past few weeks I have been completely unable to dedicate any time to watching awful movies. As a result I felt I should come back with a bang and chose the spectacular sounding Hookers in a Haunted House. Now, while it is the only movie I’ve reviewed so far that has managed to match Witch’s Sabbath‘s Breast-O-Meter reading, unlike the previous breast fest Hookers in a Haunted House barely makes any attempt at actually being a movie. It’s a very thinly veiled softcore porno with horrendous jokes thrown in to pad the time out a bit. If you ever feel the sudden urge to watch this movie, consider yourself warned.

She has the strength of a thousand hookers!

In what really is the setup to a poorly conceived joke, a blonde, brunette and red-headed hooker are about to spend an evening in a haunted house. IMDB swears blindly that these women have names but I don’t recall any of them being used in the actual movie. All the ‘action’ has already taken place and we are being told what happened through a series of flash backs from the blonde hooker as she details her harrowing evening to a rather strange TV journalist. The girls landed up in their frightening predicament when they decided to sell their wares out on a country road, the idea being that there would be less competition here from the other inner-city hookers. As luck would have it a group of Trekkies just happened to be driving by at that point and are more than happy for the girls to raise their shields to full power (or some pun along those lines).

So here's the plot in a nutshell.

The evening starts off with the nerdiest of the Trekkies trying to impress the hookers with his collection of human eyes in a jar and other bizarre paraphernalia. Perhaps as a result of this the girls don’t really take much of a shining to him, choosing instead to play around with his two friends. What follows is a slow strip tease, a lot of breast action and some ass shots that reveal some truly horrible thighs. The ego dented from the lack of attention the head Trekkie decides to whip out a Ouija board and play around with demons from another dimension. By randomly waving his hands over the board and muttering some old school song lyrics he manages to invoke, and I quote, “hideous, vile, ill-tempered and excessively butch spirits from beyond the grave”. This is actually misleading as he only summons one spirit, the ghost of a deranged bag packing boy, and nothing about this spirit suggests in any way that he is particularly butch.

Even in Hell you can't find the receipt you're looking for.

Obviously terrified by the presence of this hideous, vile, ill-tempered and excessively butch spirit from beyond the grave the girls do the only logical thing you can do in these kinds of situations: have more sex and look for food. While they’re doing this and a smoke machine mysteriously puffs away the bag boy goes about killing people with boxes of Corn Flakes and a pricing gun. It will take the blonde hooker a trip into hell to visit her long-deceased ancestor to discover the powers she has hidden deep within her that will help them escape from the clutches of this terrifying spirit. It will also take her posing topless for the camera for the news crew’s ratings to stay high enough for her to finish telling her terrible tale.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Credits should contain as many breasts as humanly possible.
  • B-movies hinder a hooker’s ability to make money.
  • Smeared makeup is a traumatic thing for a hooker to go through.
  • Female journalists and hookers share a deep, spiritual bond.
  • Ouija boards can double up as a crystal ball in the event of emergency incantations.
  • Evil spirits are known to return hookers to their fully clothed states.
  • A good nipple licking and pinching will resuscitate a fainted hooker.
  • A family sized box of Corn Flakes can be used as a brutal and effective weapon.
  • Terrified hookers will often do a strip tease for the malevolent spirits stalking them.
  • Professional hookers should, in the interest of political correctness, be referred to as Pleasure Oriented Care Givers.

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Camp Blood

Year of Release: 1999
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: High

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

*sniff sniff* What’s that? It smells like home… Aah yes, it’s a killer clown movie! A long time has passed since I last saw this dear old friend of mine and it felt about time for a visit. Of course when you want to do a catch up with someone you need some time to yourselves to chat and relax in each other’s company so I thought, ‘why not go camping?’ Of course, Camp Blood is beautiful at this time of year: the trees are in bloom, the birds are singing and the forest is teeming with life. It’s quite rustic, there aren’t any cabins and certainly no electricity, but thankfully it comes with its own killer clown built-in and fully operational. So let me tell you how this old friend of mine is doing…

Ronald McDonald after a bad McNugget binge...

Since it’s been such a long time since I last saw my friend the killer clown movie I had completely forgotten just how rough he can look sometimes. Not to say that he isn’t still scary looking (perish the thought), but the way he was put together in this particular instance was quite unsettling. Sometime between our last meeting and now his budget was slashed tremendously and the only way that he could be made was by some fool with a handheld camera and a few friends who had a free weekend. Sitting there watching him regale me with his story I felt a little bit queasy, not only because the camera was going a little all over the place but also because everything seemed to have either a slight green or yellow tinge (I must remember to pick something up for him so he can sort that out). After getting over that I was also struck by how old my friend the killer clown movie was looking in this particular manifestation since, although he was only born in 1999, he looked like he was brought into this world sometime in the mid-80s. I didn’t mention any of this to him since I thought it might bring down the mood of our little camping session, and nobody wants a sad killer clown movie crying over his toasted marshmallows, but I was feeling sorry for my friend even before he revealed his plotline to me.

Even in death my boobs are amazing!

After our toasted marshmallows me and my dear friend the killer clown movie sat down under the stars while he told me about this very bad plotline that he was being saddled with. In the very beginning, before the main plotline kicks in, we are briefly introduced to a guide and what I’m taking to be a nerdy tourist walking along the trails of Camp Blackwood, the official name for the area that the locals have dubbed ‘Camp Blood’. Suddenly, and for no apparent reason, a sex scene breaks out and our two minor characters are going at it as best they can while still wearing pants. After a beautiful love-making session of soft moans, delicate music and gentle caresses, the camp’s resident psychopath in a clown mask comes out from the undergrowth and proceeds to hack the two to pieces with his machete. Two hunters will come to the same fate while they attempt to hunt some deer to add to their trophy collection. At this point I can see that my friend the killer clown movie is a little embarrassed by what he’s telling me, so I decide that it’s time for some steaming hot chocolate to soothe our souls.

Time to hug it out and make up for the bloodshed.

With the hot chocolate finished we retired to our tent and began delicately spooning one another. Feeling that he was in a safe place my friend the killer clown movie began opening up to me about his main plotline. A group of 4 friends have decided to take a little camping trip up to Camp Blackwater to get away from it all. Along the way (well, after becoming lost and needing directions) they happen across a somewhat crazy town local (by definition I thought this meant that there needed to be a town nearby, but apparently I’m wrong) who warns them not to go near the old campsite because of The Clown. Not believing that some man is running around in the forest killing people they set off anyway and, once arriving at the camp and going wandering in the woods, they meet up with their burly lesbian guide who will show them how to get around and where to find the best place to get in touch with nature (i.e. have sex). During a campfire session involving ghost stories the guide expands on the old man’s story about The Clown, informing us that he is actually just a man who went a touch insane and killed two innocent people. Again the group doesn’t believe the story but, when they wake up in the morning to find the guide dead and a clown chasing after them, they need to pull all their wits together to try and make it out of Camp Blood alive.

We awoke the next morning in a gentle embrace to see the sun coming over the mountains and a single bird perched in a tree branch. My friend the killer clown movie seemed to be happier having gotten all of that off his chest and, after a long breakfast where we discussed the intricacies of life and Lady Gaga’s medical condition, we decided to head back to civilisation. I told him that I wasn’t sure when I would see him again but that, no matter what happened or how many b-movies I watched, he would always have a special place in my DVD collection.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Forest sex is best done half-clothed with a piano and flute instrumental in the background.
  • Locals in small towns are always foul-mouthed lunatics.
  • Memories are usually repeated over a megaphone.
  • Why wait for a guide when you can go into strange woods blind?
  • Lesbian camping guides are very heavy-handed with their customers.
  • Heavy foreplay is often a sign that a woman just wants to cuddle.
  • After sex women like to sleep in their bras and jeans.
  • When helping an injured person walk you should always support the leg that’s working fine.

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Blood Dolls

Year of Release: 1999
Genre:  Comedy / Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT ITS ABOUT:

This was a great disappointment for me. Having been directed by Charles Band, the man who produced Puppet Master and Demonic Toys, I was hoping that this movie would have brought me some of the same somewhat-perverse joy at seeing a group of toys going off on a little killing spree armed with little weapons that they use with great creativity. Sadly all that Blood Dolls manages to succeed at is rehashing an old idea and ripping it to shreds. That said, the movie does get points for having a little bit of something for everyone: racism, BDSM, rock music, scary clowns, killer toys, female empowerment and dwarf tossing, to name but a few.

Our story centers around multi-billionaire Virgil Travis, a deformed recluse who is now incredibly pissed off that three business competitors have managed to screw him out of a billion dollars. As all good reclusive mad scientists do in times such as this, Travis begins plotting his revenge against those that dared to cross his path. To do this he creates three killer dolls out of the people who failed him the most:  the prosecutor, the judge and the lawyer that failed to defend him. The dolls are accompanied on their various missions by Travis’ henchman Mr Mascaro (supposedly a human version of Jack Attack from Demonic Toys), a seemingly competent individual who likes to wear clown makeup. But while the dolls take Travis’ revenge on his nemeses and the midget butler keeps the encaged rock band playing, everything is not as it seems and there is a player in the game that Travis has not considered.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

  • When exposed to a vacuum, the human body naturally converts itself into an action figure.
  • Being turned into an action figure makes people evil.
  • People are capable of having fully functioning brains even when their heads are the size of a kiwi fruit.
  • When not killing people, evil dolls just like to play around like kids.
  • Electronic gates open without electricity.
  • When using a guitar like a golf club, midgets can be thrown great distances.
  • Saying “nothing human can touch you, I’d bet my life on it” means that you will be attacked by some otherworldly creature.
  • Clowns frequently have a side job as a minister.
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