L³: Year 1

In the first year of running The B-Horror Blog I have learned many lessons. As The Crypt continues to grow I thought some people might want to have a quick squizz through some of the most informative things that I learned in the year. Every movie has many more lessons attached to it but these, in my opinion, were the best of the best!

THE VERY BEST OF LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

LEISURE:

  • Playing strip poker actually involves taking your clothes off only to replace them with an uglier outfit. (Terror Toons)
  • A game of twister inevitably leads to some lesbian experimentation. (Black Devil Doll)

MIDGETS:

  • When using a guitar like a golf club, midgets can be thrown great distances. (Blood Dolls)
  • Midgets, like bears, really do shit in the woods. (Zombie Women of Satan)
  • Nobody can distinguish between a midget and a ventriloquist’s dummy. (Black Devil Doll)

MONEY:

  • Growing weed is more profitable than raising emus. (Pig Hunt)
  • Economic considerations should be weighed against the possibility of tourists being eaten alive by fish. (Piranha 3D)
  • Store bought possum just doesn’t compare to one that’s been freshly caught. (Necrosis)

MURDER MOST AMUSING:

  • A sickle has two killing settings: slight abrasion and decapitation. (Jack-O)
  • Insulting a clown’s pride by forgetting about them leads to them eating you. (Dead Clowns)
  • Killing sprees need to be planned around afternoon band practice. (Campfire Stories)
  • Good manners dictates that you should brutally murder anyone who bleeds on a friend’s couch. (Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives)

NATURE:

  • When enlarged to the size of the White House, spiders actually become quite dainty on their toes and begin to resemble ballerinas. (Spiders)
  • Inside-out cows, with a very firm exoskeleton, can only squirm slowly in order to move around. Somehow there is a direct correlation between the speed of its movement and the ability of the victim to run away. (Isolation)
  • Spiders can start their lives in one of two ways: either being born a spider or starting as a larva and working your way up to a proper spider. (Arachnia)
  • Sharktopodes speak whale. (Sharktopus)
  • A  walking stick is nature’s coffee. (The Evil Woods)
  • 1954 was a good year for fossilised rats. (Scream of the Banshee)
  • Giant sharks can jump over 10 000 feet into the air and catch planes. (Mega Shark VS Giant Octopus)
  • A snake woman’s skin has evolved a natural thong. (Queen Cobra)
  • Flies that are bred not knowing that they will die can live for thousands of years. (Subhuman)
  • Ants are open to entering into territorial negotiations. (The Hive)
  • German Shepherd is considered a delicacy by ravens. (Kaw)

THE HUMAN CONDITION:

  • When exposed to a vacuum, the human body naturally converts itself into an action figure. (Blood Dolls)
  • In a world filled with homophobia, the perverted clown and gay cowboy couple will never be allowed to know just how long their love could last. (Zombie Women of Satan)
  • People question nothing when they are told that man-eating rabbits are approaching town and the National Guard needs to use them as bait to catch the rabbits. (Night of the Lepus)
  • Snowmen are apparently the best medium to store human DNA in the event that the apocalypse happens. (Jack Frost)
  • The sluttier the babysitter, the better chance your child has of surviving a demonic killing spree. (Jack-O)
  • When a strange woman starts talking to your son your natural impulse should be to invite her in for dinner. (Jack-O)
  • You will never be as hardcore as the guy with a machine gun on his snowmobile. (Dead Snow)
  • A 45-minute orgasm is not a hooker’s best friend. (Bad Biology)
  • Lying with your face in boiling oil is not an advisable exfoliation method. (Drive-Thru)
  • There’s very little you can’t accomplish with a little imagination and a tranquilizer dart. (Terror Toons 2: The Sick and Silly Show)
  • Wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a hat and hanging on one another is a great form of male bonding. (Dead Boyz Don’t Scream)
  • Everyone on a football team is stone-cold gay. Porn stars are doing their best to fix this. (Death on Demand)
  • Wars between rival cheerleading gangs quickly become both personal and violent. (Andre the Butcher)
  • Making out is a perfectly acceptable way for cousins to say hello. (Buried Alive)
  • Being unpopular is no different to being gang raped by nazis. (Cannibal Hookers)
  • In some communities it’s taboo for attractive brothers and sisters to go camping together. (Backwoods)
  • When a couple’s being stalked by a killer an argument regarding vaginas is bound to break out. (Steel Trap)
  • The number of deaths resulting from bleeding ankles is tragically underestimated. (The Slaughterhouse Massacre)
  • You don’t put glasses on to read – you put glasses on to think. (Chain Letter)
  • Eating a good set of hacked-off nipples ensures that a child will grow up to be healthy. (Bloodlines)
  • Taking part in super elite, top-secret paintball tournaments is the absolute height of badassness. (Paintball)
  • Boys get over excited during crucifixions and tend to do more harm than is necessary. (Hallowed Ground)
  • Babylonian fire goddesses can be invoked as a complicated way of falling pregnant. (Hard Ride To Hell)

THE LAW:

  • According to police you can’t be murdered unless you have a criminal record. (Little Erin Merryweather)
  • You can land up in juvenile court for switching a girl’s shampoo with hair remover. (Clownstrophobia)
  • Bitch slapping is an excellent interrogation method. (Zombie Wars)
  • In the military “blurrrgh-arrrrr-raaaaah” is a good enough description of a truck’s cargo to get it through a check point. (Aaah! Zombies!!)
  • A sheriff is powerless in the face of a college coach and a security guard. (Final Exam)
  • The best interrogation method is for the policeman to scream and threaten the witness. (Aerobicide)
  • Policemen are known to be incredibly flirty at murder scenes. (I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer)
  • 2 night guards constitutes an entire security force. (Queen Cobra)
  • Policemen on the phone sound a lot like telemarketers. (Chain Letter)

SEX:

  • In a pinch, a loaded gun is just as good as a vibrator. (Possessed by the Night)
  • When done in the name of science, having sex with a zombie is completely ethical. (Zombie Women of Satan)
  • Not wanting to sleep with 814 men makes you close-minded. (Doll Graveyard)
  • 80s sex involved a lot of groaning with very little movement. (The House on Sorority Row)
  • Bird flu spreads because chicken farmers in Laos insist on having sex with their poultry. (Flu Birds)
  • Webcasts will bring out everyone’s homoerotic fantasies. (Death on Demand)
  • Zombie sex is complicated by the fact that the necessary parts keep falling off. (Aaah! Zombies!!)
  • Forest sex is best done half-clothed with a piano and flute instrumental in the background. (Camp Blood)
  • If you don’t want anyone to know you’re talking about sex, use doughnut code. (Monsturd)
  • A real lady only has sex in a car if the top is up. (Final Exam)

WOMEN:

  • Women are unreasonable in their distaste for sitting tied to a chair at a table of dead people. (Dr. Chopper)
  • Wearing pink tights gives you the powers of Wonder Woman. (Terror Toons)
  • When hit across the head with a bottle and then dragged over the broken glass a woman’s body will not bleed so long as she is wearing a sensible jersey. (Terror Toons)
  • When hung out of helicopter on a windy night, teenage girls are remarkably accurate with a bazooka. (Spiders)
  • Lesbians taste like tuna. (Halloween Night)
  • Never trust a women with outhouse-sex on her mind with a cursed gold coin. (Dead Snow)
  • Girls born with Oompa-Loompas in their vagina should have them removed at an early age to avoid debilitating libidos in later life. (Bad Biology)
  • When surprised or scared a woman will rip her gown open in an attempt to frighten an intruder with her breasts. (Bad Biology)
  • Revenge is a dish best served in a revealing miniskirt. (Campfire Stories)
  • Never trust sluts with perimeter defense during a monster insect onslaught. (Arachnia)
  • On a psycho scale 50 crazy bitches is the rough equivalent of one serial killer. (Sorority Row)
  • A woman can store a fully loaded gun and another round of bullets in her vagina. (The Death Factory: Bloodletting)
  • It is quite common for women to check the quality of their boob jobs by fondling one another. (Black Devil Doll)
  • Sisters get jealous when one is allowed to spontaneously hallucinate while the other isn’t. (Plague Town)
  • Women who run sex websites want a man that’ll keep their supplies of spandex and leopard print high. (Hobgoblins 2)
  • Girls think a sledge-hammer can fix a broken bus engine. (Bikini Girls on Ice)
  • Women think you can use a crowbar to remove a tyre. (Hyenas)
  • Never trust a nun sending blind people into the woods to ‘found a new ministry’. (Day of the Triffids)
  • Fat girls are easily lured by a doughnut on a string. (Andre the Butcher)
  • Women are instantly aroused by gory hunting stories. (Pig Hunt)
  • Heavy foreplay is often a sign that a woman just wants to cuddle. (Camp Blood)
  • For safety and strength, bitches always travel in packs of 3. (The Final)
  • Only bland girls have the sense to use blunt force when necessary. (Final Exam)
  • Hookers are violently territorial and will resort to disembowelment if necessary. (Cannibal Hookers)
  • Women take their degrees in aerobics and music videos very seriously. (The Video Dead)
  • Women see nothing strange or dangerous about a strange man covering them in batter near a deep fryer. (Blood Diner)
  • Women find the memories of ghosts having sex with their favourite client highly arousing. (Blood Sisters)
  • In a bartering society women will often flash their breasts in exchange for a taco. (Do You Wanna Know A Secret)
  • Some women don’t mind having their drinks spiked. To them it’s just a new experience. (Do You Wanna Know A Secret)
  • A girl who receives 1 threatening message is perplexed. A girl who receives 50 of the same threatening message is terrified. (I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer)
  • A great way to seduce a woman is to insult her field of expertise on national television. (The Hive)
  • Women think you can flag down a commercial plane and ask them for help. (Road Train)
  • Psychopathic women may have their issues but one thing they won’t stand for is a slut. (Bunnyman)
  • It’s perfectly alright to spike a woman’s drink, provided that she is actually a woman. (Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives)
  • Women often come out of the shower wearing nothing but a pair of high heels. (Killjoy)
  • Women think that you need to bring flowers to the countryside. (Death Bed: The Bed That Eats)
  • It’s perfectly natural for women to want to do a striptease in front of a man that’s been chained to a tree for years. (Beware)
  • Pro Crack Whore is now a viable career choice. (Bikini Bloodbath)

FEATURED CREATURES:

  • When a killer doll is staring you in the face, compliment him on his physique. (Doll Graveyard)
  • Burnt and rotten dolls are the customary gift of a ghost zombie to a normal girl. (Wicked Little Things)
  • Aliens have honeycomb vision. (AVH: Alien VS. Hunter)
  • A vampire’s basic cellular structure is made up of fishnet stockings. (Fist of the Vampire)
  • The earth’s rotation can be sped up or slowed down depending on the whim of the evil forces ruling over it. (Vanishing on 7th Street)
  • The ‘Satan vs Joan of Arc is the voice in my head’ debate is ongoing. (Hobgoblins 2)
  • Strobe lighting brings on a whole other kind of epilepsy in a marsupial werewolf. (Howling III: The Marsupials)
  • Ancient goddesses want to be given mortal form in a body made up of chopped up sluts. (Blood Diner)
  • Randomly stringing Latin phrases together will revive undead gladiators. (Demonicus)
  • Despite only having enormous amounts of stomach acid man-eating beds leave distinct teeth marks in apples. (Death Bed: The Bed That Eats)
  • The emperor Augustus spent a great part of his reign slaying the world’s cyclops population. (Cyclops)
  • Zombies can only die when they think they’re alive. In this way when you attack them they will think they are injured and convince themselves that they are actually dead when they really aren’t because they can’t experience pain. They will remain ‘dead’ because they’re fooling themselves into thinking that they are until someone points out to them that they’re not in which case they’ll get back up and try again. (The Video Dead)

BONUS FEATURES:

  • Queefing: verb – to use one’s vagina as a purse. (The Death Factory: Bloodletting)
  • Scary clown art is an incredibly lucrative niche market. (Fear of Clowns)
  • “Let’s shag it!” is not a good general catch phrase when all you really want is for people to move quickly. (Creepozoids)
  • Only stupid mayors evacuate towns and cancel pumpkin festivals. (Lightning Strikes)
  • Machine guns do about as much damage as a rabid rat at close range. (Fist of the Vampire)
  • When someone’s been run over with a car you should beat them repeatedly to see if they are still alive. (The Gingerdead Man)

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