1313: Cougar Cult Ft. Tropical Mary

Year of Release: 2012
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 1.7 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 0/5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

There are some movies out there that make you want to offer your soul to the devil if it meant getting a slight reprieve from it. There are other movies, however, that the devil himself wouldn’t have, and 1313: Cougar Cult just happens to be one of those. The reasons behind choosing to watch it were numerous – I wanted to watch it because I love Linnea Quigley, I wanted Tropical Mary to watch it to see if even her gay sensibilities could withstand it, but most of all I wanted to watch it without warning the Occult Specialist what it was about and see his facial reactions. While those were funny as hell, it still wasn’t enough to make watching this movie a worthwhile endeavour. Tropical Mary summed it up best: either give us more movie or give us more porn, but don’t leave us in this purgatory where we’re neither entertained nor turned on.

This one looks like he’s missing a chromosome.

Three sisters, affectionately dubbed Overbite Edwina, Flashpoints Victoria and Forever-Lost-Thong Clara, own a gorgeous mansion in some or other unspecified opulent neighbourhood. As three older sisters living together are prone to doing these cougars are on the lookout for young, buff men to help… um… service their needs. By that I of course mean cleaning the pool and cooking them the occasional meal. If a naked, oiled up massage happens then so be it, but it’s hardly a prerequisite for the job. But these aren’t your regular run-of-the-mill MILFy cougars, oh no. These gals are a coven of blood-thirsty witch cougars. They need their young man to feed on / become their mates / offer as sacrifices to their omnipotent feline goddess Calabast. I’m assuming Calabast is the Egyptian Bastet‘s Californian cousin, but I could be entirely wrong.

A 70s disco party is about the break out…

After eating their last pool boy the cougars need to bring in a little fresh meat. Enter Coopersmith, Darwin and Rufus. Each one delectable in their own unique way, they’re only here because they want to earn some money doing a summer job. This will involve undignified levels of shirtlessness, obscenely long shower scenes and unparalleled scenes of the boys sleep-fondling themselves. Occasionally the cougars will be thrown in for good measure, but they seem rather secondary to the tighty whitey-ness of the rest of the movie. There’s some glitter, a candle and questionable cougar effects thrown into the mixture, but all this movie really is is an excuse to watch somewhere between three and six men rubbing themselves along a bed for more than half of it.

So the $1 million budget didn’t go into the special effects?

According to my research the movie was shot in only three days. Believe me, it shows! When you’re not watching young men gyrating in ways that would make Madonna uncomfortable, you’re watching scenes of the Scream Queens that have already happened at least 3 times before. Words cannot actually describe the awfulness of this movie, but if you’re in the mood to see JUST HOW BAD z-cinema can be, then this is the perfect movie to watch. If nothing else, watch it to see the terror in the guys’ eyes, the acne on their faces and their various oddly placed nipples.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Nipples make jets of water go plume.
  • Straight guys regularly exchange massaging tips by massaging each other whilst being virtually naked.
  • You don’t need soap to have an intensive, all-body wash down.
  • This movie proves that some actors don’t have breakout roles, they have come out roles.
  • You can only feel a person’s aura if you stand behind them while they’re showering.
  • You only need one candle to summon a demon hell goddess.
  • Fairy dust works perfectly well as an agent for possessing a person’s soul.

1313: COUGAR CULT TRAILER

BUY 1313: COUGAR CULT AT AMAZON.COM

Posted on August 29, 2012, in Awful Level: Lobotomy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 14 Comments.

  1. There is so much terribly awesome and terrible sounding stuff happening here!

  2. With a higher Breast-O-Meter rating I might have made an effort here. But, no.

  3. This sounds wretchedly promising, but I’m not sure I could stand that much showering and sleep-fondling. And the trailer looked like clips from a Playgirl movie without the pornographic bits, except for that part at 1:17 where one of the young men stumbles onto the other two in underwear, one on the bed and the other at the foot of the bed. If that isn’t the set up to a gay threesome, I’m not sure what is. I think I’ll pass, but was amused reading about it.

    • You would think it was gay porn (and it all the right elements to take it in that direction), but that was actually where one of the guys tried to save his friend from being possessed by the cougars. Easy to confuse, I know.

  4. Damn, those scream queens deserve a better movie than this. Good review, though.

    • They really do. On one hand it’s quite sad that they’re in this, but on the other hand you can see they’re trying to ham it up. I’ll give them props for bringing some sense of enjoyment to this otherwise mirthless piece of crap.

  5. We should do a 1313 UMM….

  6. Just watched it. I came across a link and it said it was a horror, so I downloaded a comedy for the contrast, turns out I don’t need that comedy afterall, in fact I need a very good movie to lift up my mood. Sucky film, I am trying to figure out what the point for this movie was….nada!! Best thing that I got out of this, your review, since I wanted to see if I was the only one thinking that this movie sucked big time.

    My lesson search for reviews before watching any movie again!! 😀

    • Yeah, I’m not really sure what you need after watching this one. I found a hard scrub in the shower got most of it off though. Glad you liked the review and thanks for commenting!

  7. I personally have never known a male to have such a thorough shower as the young man at the start of this film did. Literally an eternity seemed to pass of us watching him have a shower and then watching the ‘cougars’ creep slowly towards him, and back again. Get on with it!

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