Ghosts of Goldfield

Year of Release: 2007
Genre: Horror
IMDB Rating: 3.4 / 10
Level of Awful: High
Breast-O-Meter: 0/5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

As a fun little fact before I dive into the review, this movie was originally meant to be a part of the Urban Legend franchise. Under the working title Urban Legends: Goldfield Murders, this was meant to follow on from Urban Legends: Bloody Mary  before Sony bought back the rights to the franchise. It’s just as well really; while Bloody Mary at least tried to cling in there, amateur doesn’t begin to describe this movie. Maybe it’s because the guys behind it chose to go with a less universally known urban legend (I’d never heard of Goldfield or its supposed ghosts until I watched this movie. Some useful information can be found by clicking here), but all this movie really boils down to is 88 minutes of every clichéd ghost trick in the b-movie book. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a laugh a minute to watch, but when Kellan Lutz is your biggest draw card you really aren’t giving the audience much to work with.

Hi, we’re here to throw ourselves in Satan’s path and then whine about it later on.

After some thumping techno beats from the production companies responsible for this little cheese fest we’re thrown into a car full of horribly clichéd college students. Julie’s your typical ghost-hunting psychology major who’s deadly serious and in touch with the voices from the spirit realm. To balance out her intense blandness she chose Mike to be her jackass boyfriend. Mike’s just your standard scuzball college character who keeps pulling pranks and flirting with other females. In this case said female is Keri, the whiny spoiled girl bedecked in pink and who can’t understand why this ghost hunt can’t be a kick-ass party. She’s here with Dean, who there really isn’t much to say about since he just kinda hovers in the background and grunts disapprovingly when she flirts back with Mike. The group’s fifth wheel is Chad, the intelligent, sensitive beef cake who tries to look out for Julie and protect her from Mike’s general douchebaggery.

Verily, my milkshake is better than thine.

Julie and co. land up staying in the haunted hotel when it turns out that the motel she booked them into doesn’t exist. How this happened is never explained, so we just plow on with the story. Julie’s trying to make contact with Elizabeth, a prostitute who lived in the Goldfield hotel during the town’s gold rush. Elizabeth was supposedly murdered by the hotel’s owner and her 2-week-old child dumped down a mine shaft under the building. Julie wants to confirm the specter’s existence to see why she’s trapped and unable to move on to the other side. I never knew that ghost psychology was such a big subject in American universities, but you learn something new every day. How the group struggles for nearly an hour of the movie’s runtime to find Elizabeth is baffling since you can hear her whining ‘where’s my baby?’ in the background every five minutes, but who am I to question the director’s vision?

Celine Dion: the crack whore years.

Suddenly, without apparent cause and only 20 minutes of movie left to go, Elizabeth decides to go balls to the wall and haunt the crap out of these kids. It starts out with some innocent possession to give Julie some flashbacks of what happened to her, but not long after the possessions lead to Mike and Keri making the beast with two backs on a dusty couch. Not content with a supernatural orgasm, Elizabeth decides that the next step is to kill all of the kids as quickly and brutally as possible, all supposedly in the name of finding her baby. How this ties in with the baby is another of the movie’s great unanswered questions, but I didn’t feel like dwelling on it. Julie has some mysterious connection to the old hotel and to Elizabeth’s ghost, and she’s the only one that can end the bygone hooker’s reign of transcendental terror. The question, however, is whether or not Elizabeth is the only ghost in the hotel and whether putting her to rest will really solve all of Julie’s problems.

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • Girl-on-girl action is cheaper than trying to get a man involved.
  • The sound of the car engine exploding doesn’t usually herald good news.
  • Bartenders in ghost towns don’t serve up fancy cocktails.
  • It’s rude to speak ill of the slutty dead.
  • One woman’s brutal torture and murder is another woman’s cheesy, torch-lit ghost story.
  • A man must be very well endowed if he can have sex with you through his jeans and yours.
  • It’s very inconvenient when your boyfriend’s penis accidentally slips inside your best friend.
  • Some guys won’t screw dead chicks; even douchebags have standards.

GHOSTS OF GOLDFIELD TRAILER

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Posted on August 10, 2012, in Awful Level: High and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 22 Comments.

  1. Sequel to Urban Legends: Bloody Mary, you say? Then this is a must watch.

    I took a look at the cast… Kinda disappointing to see Roddy Piper and Chuck Zito there…

    Or maybe it’s not disappointing… Maybe it MAKES SENSE…

    • Maybe sequel isn’t the right word. Next direct-to-DVD instalment is more accurate.

      And there’s very little in this movie that makes sense. VERY little.

  2. I read the title as Ghosts of Garfield and now I’m kind of disappointed that doesn’t exist.

  3. This sounds…I don’t even have words actually…

  4. “I never knew that ghost psychology was such a big subject in American universities…”

    It’s part of the four Ps: partying hard, praying on test day, and paranormal psychology. They just never were as popular as the three Rs, which are strangely an R, a W, and an A respectively.

    • Oh! Well that makes a lot more sense then. I’m gonna guess the reason it was less popular was because of that silent ‘p’ in ‘psychology’. It’s bound to confuse some people.

  5. What a terrible disappointment I felt watching this film. I mean, a western, mining ghost town – sounds like great potential. I watched without feeling a minute of suspense, chills, or fear.

    • Agreed. It had the potential to be an awesome ghost story, but fell back on so many old stories that I’d figured out the plot after about 20 minutes. Spent the rest of the movie being bored.

  6. “The Bygone Hooker’s Reign of Transcendental Terror” would be a great movie title, though. Or a title for something.

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