Birdemic: Shock and Terror Feat. Tropical Mary
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:
Oh sweet mother of God what the fuck just happened? When Tropical Mary and I sat down to watch an awful movie (and we’ve seen a lot of shit together) we never would have thought that something like this could happen. This makes Syfy movies look like Oscar contenders. Bad CGI is one thing, but never in a million years did I think I’d see a movie that used clip art for the “monsters”. If nothing else Birdemic: Shock and Terror is an excellent argument for atheism: if there really was a God, He would never have allowed something like this to be made.
There really isn’t enough plot to do a proper review for this one, so instead I’m going to give a very brief rundown of what happened and then I have taken Tropical Mary’s live tweets from the movie and turned them into a helpful little walkthrough.
The movie centres around Rod, the most wooden and bland man you’ll ever meet. One day at a coffee shop he spies a woman named Nathalie who he was once in school with. After some brief stalking and one whole date the two fall madly in love with one another and plan on spending the rest of their bland, wooden lives together. That is until the clip art eagles attack (that’s another thing: the only birds in this movie are eagles, so it’s really more Eagledemic than Birdemic…). Rod and Nathalie will have to blandly fight their way through the eagles, saving and killing a few friends and children along the way.
That really is all there is to it, but the 90 minutes worth of movie really do feel like an eternity has passed by and a few limbs have been hacked off your body in the process. If you own this movie burn the disk it’s on and then anything that was used to play and watch it. Fire is the only way we can cleanse the earth of this foul menace.
Credits at an incredibly steep angle. Filming and driving is dangerous.
Open movie with stop/start dialogue using Special Olympics cast members.
Rod and Nathalie have business cards. Now they’ve swapped cards.
And he’s driving, and he’s driving, and he’s driving, and he’s indicating, and he’s finally stopping.
Suddenly, fashion shoot of the Asian persuasion.
Rod: “I have rabies for you.” Nathalie: “Thank you for getting me the kid.”
Rod and friend get together for unneccessary hip thrusting.
Rod’s got a rose and Nathalie’s wearing nothing but a t-shirt.
Rod and Nathalie are a match made in duuuhhhhville. Commence smile-and-nod date.
Phrases like “dancing in the clubs” are being thrown around willy nilly.
Romantic walk with giant slow motion humming birds from Alice in Wonderland followed by dancing in a green screen club.
Meeting Nathalie’s ‘I forgot my lines’ mother.
She-male in orange bikini.
Clapping. Chair thrusting. More clapping.
Rod loves his plug-in, hybrid ‘stang.
Handkerchief dress and Asians imagining peace.
Art & pumpkin festival.
And they’re driving, and they’re driving and they’re fucking driving!
In the pub. initiate two-man party while doing the stupid robot. No extras for this scene.
Same room, different sex.
Suddenly, birds making fighter jet noises, coat-hangers as weapons and space invader formation birds.
Kill one bird with 5 bullets, twice!
During an avian onslaught it’s very important to take time for lunch with the family.
Driving again (to heroic music).
Bottomless ammo clips and birds with acidic shit.
The nuclear family goes a-looting.
Not enough rain in the water.
Asian she-male was imagining peace but was roused.
World saved by whited doves without olive branches.
BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR TRAILER
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Posted on January 9, 2012, in Awful Level: Lobotomy and tagged 2010, attack, b grade, Bad Movie, Birdemic, birds, crap, eagles, global warming, Guns, Horror, Shock and Terror. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.