Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Year of Release: 1977 / 2003
Genre:  Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.8 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy
Breast-O-Meter: 3 / 5

WHAT IT’S ABOUT:

This movie’s box proudly proclaims that Death Bed: The Bed That Eats is a ‘lost horror film of the seventies’. Now, there are some lost things that would be incredibly useful if we could find them, but then there are some things that are lost for a reason. This movie was lost for a reason: it’s terrible! I’ve read a few reviews and some people go on about how adventurous one-time director George Barry was and how the movie’s really insightful and artistic and moving, but it’s really not. It’s crap. It’s a killer bed – how frightening can an inanimate object be? And that’s just the beginning of the silliness! Of course I’m not here to make people’s minds up for them; carry on, dear reader, and I will grant you a little insight into the (bland) horrors of Death Bed: The Bed That Eats.

Sometimes you just have to smoke those pesky ghosts out of your mansion.

Deep in the middle of nowhere there exists an abandoned mansion that, for as long as time can recall, has attracted frisky young couples looking to make the beast with two backs. If these young couples make their way into the basement they will find a luxurious bed that will suit their needs perfectly. One day such a couple makes their way to the mansion and finds the bed. The girl’s a little shy and unsure of whether she’s ready or not, so the guy whips out a single candle, 2 apples, a bottle of wine and a bucket of chicken to try and get her in the mood. Whilst they begin to experience the initial wave of sexual tension brought on by their mutual unattractiveness they fail to notice something that’s a little bizarre: the bed has a digestive system. It would appear that the bed can open itself up and drop things into a vat of digestive acid that forms the stuffing of the mattress. Not quite content with a bottle of wine, two apples and a bucket of chicken it then decides to eat the couple, drawing them in and digesting them while making nom-nom-nom sounds.

Why is the shoe bleeding?

Now, since the bed can neither move nor speak nor stalk in any traditional sense of the word there has to be something that tries to tell the audience what the hell’s going on half the time. This job falls to an unnamed ghost trapped behind a painting in the room with the bed. Like so many others this ghost was also the victim of the bed but is unable to do anything other than carry out never-ending monologues that try to keep the movie shuffling along. Soon there are more people at the house – they’ve come up here for a little relaxation since the house is going to be sold off soon and one of the girl’s is the realtor. Their names are Black Girl, Hippie Girl and Girl in Ugly White Shoes. Girl in Ugly White Shoes doesn’t want to be there, and she’s the first to be eaten. Black Girl is on the menu, but for some reason the bed can’t stand the sight of Hippie Girl, so much so that whenever she enters the room the bed’s insides start bleeding. Now, granted she certainly isn’t the prettiest thing out there, but there has to be something more to this sudden repulsion than unfortunate facial features.

This is what happens when your OCD takes over your exfoliation routine.

There comes a point in movies such as this, however, when you need to take pause and wonder why exactly we have a man-eating bed killing off young, innocent, horny victims. The answer is very simple: back in the day there was a demon that took on the form of a tree. One day a young maiden happens along like something out of a Celtic folktale and the demon falls madly in love with her. Since most women aren’t generally attracted to trees, however, he turns into a breeze and begins to caress her. Since the breeze seems to have done the trick he now needs to come up with a place to have his way with her, and he magically conjures up an enormous bed in the middle of nowhere. They make their way to the bed but since humans and demons aren’t meant to be having sex with one another (the offspring suffer from terrible identity crises) the woman dies and the demon becomes very sad. As saddened demons do, he begins to cry blood and some of that blood begins to drip onto the bed. This blood possesses the bed and allows it to take on the life form that is currently un-stalking the mansion. It had terrorised many parts of America in its day but, because it ate everyone that lay on it, it was eventually moved into the basement and forgotten (because it ate everyone who knew about it). So now it lies there, patiently waiting for its next meal to need to have sex. Black Girl and Hippie Girl are going to have to face this monster head on if they ever want to escape and sleep in a normal bed again!

LIFE’S LESSONS LEARNED:

  • You don’t need to open your mouth to speak.
  • Despite only having enormous amounts of stomach acid man-eating beds leave distinct teeth marks in apples.
  • Demons have a very rigid sleeping pattern.
  • Crosses bleed up the way.
  • Women think that you need to bring flowers to the countryside.
  • Everyone, at all times, should have a picnic basket on them in case of emergencies.
  • You don’t need tendons or muscle to hold bones together.
  • Trapped ghosts are rather emo and like to paint their nails black.
  • To destroy a man-eating bed you need to get an undead woman (who isn’t a not a zombie) with a lumpy arse to have sex with a man with no hands (who mustn’t take his clothes off) in the middle of nowhere.

BUY DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS AT AMAZON.COM

Posted on October 4, 2011, in Awful Level: Lobotomy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Wow, I commend you for sitting through this thing. The most ludicrous horror monster I have ever heard of.

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