Jack Frost

Year of Release: 1997
Genre:  Comedy / Fantasy / Horror
IMDB Rating: 4.2 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT ITS ABOUT:

Since it’s Christmas tomorrow I thought I’d dig this little piece of winter blood-shed and dust it off. I remember watching this movie when I was much younger and actually being quite scared – proof that some childhood adventures are best left alone. Watching it again when I’m a little older and more used to CGI effects, there was still something warm and inviting about seeing the Creditsmas Tree as the movie opened. For those who haven’t seen one of these before, a Creditsmas Tree is just like a Christmas Tree, but instead of hanging tinsel and ornaments on it you hang the opening credits. I would also like to offer advanced warning for those who hasn’t seen this movie: the snowman in the movie looks nothing like the snowman on the cover. The actual snowman is just that, a snowman. Carrot for a nose, coal for eyes, twigs for eyebrows and spray-painted oven gloves for snow. And he’s evil, of course. But for all this movie is bad it is still entertaining because you can laugh at the sheer absurdity of this snowman rolling and melting his way through town on his killing spree.

One night, in the middle of a blizzard that puts this year’s snowfall in Europe and Britain to shame, federal police are transporting mass-murderer Jack Frost who is scheduled to be executed at midnight that evening. The route takes them through the town of Snomonton, the place where Jack was eventually apprehended by the local sheriff after eluding the police for five years and leaving a trail of 38 murder victims. Unfortunately, with visibility on the road being virtually non-existent, the transport drivers don’t notice the oncoming vehicle carrying a load of genetic-experiment grade acid and the two collide with one another. Jack manages to escape from the transport vehicle after the accident but lands up being in the line of fire when the truck containing the acid breaches, melting Jack on the spot.

In Snomonton itself Sheriff Sam Tiler is still fixated with Jack Frost and cannot forget the man’s threats to find a way to get back at the man who had him put away. These fears are compounded when members of this quiet little community begin to show up dead, and soon two members of the FBI come into town and order a curfew to be enforced. While the police and FBI bicker (and beat up one another and a few townsfolk) about how things should be done, we discover that the acid that melted Jack was actually a genetic experiment aimed and storing human DNA in inanimate objects so that, in the event of the apocalypse, we as a species could be resurrected later using this stored DNA. As usual this experiment doesn’t go exactly to plan and instead of just storing Jack’s DNA in the snow the acid has actually bonded the two, bringing Jack back to life in the form of a snowman (this is also the beginning of a LONG discussion about how the soul is real).

The people in charge of bringing the snowman to justice now fall into two groups: Sam, his friend Paul and kickass police secretary Marla who want to kill Jack and ‘FBI’ agents Manner and Stone, who are actually from the company that developed the acid, who are under orders to capture and contain Jack for further study. With the use of aerosols, hairdryers, lighters, salt and anti-freeze, it’s now up to this rag-tag team to stop the world’s most pissed off snow cone before he manages to get hold of Sam, his family and every horny teenager in the little town of Snomonton.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• Snowmen are apparently the best medium to store human DNA in the event that the apocalypse happens.
• Despite being made of frozen water snowmen defy the laws of thermodynamics by being able to melt and refreeze at will.
• Snowmen are excellent drivers.
• You must ever question why pissed off looking snowmen suddenly appear on your front lawn and start talking to you.
• A bobsled won’t only decapitate you, but going from a stand-still it can make your head fly a good 200m.
• Despite not having legs, snowmen can run at remarkable speeds.
• When genetically altered snowmen melt themselves the coal and carrots attached to them melt and refreeze along with the main body of ice.
• Despite being able to melt themselves whenever they feel like it, evil snowmen get really pissed off if you hold a hairdryer up to them.