Terror Toons

Year of Release: 2002
Genre:  Horror / Comedy
IMDB Rating: 2.6 / 10
Level of Awful: Requires Post-Film Lobotomy

WHAT ITS ABOUT:

May all the gods of all the peoples have mercy on Director / Producer / Script Writer Joe Castro for what he has done. This is a movie that fails on every possible front: there’s nothing in it that is so gruesome that it can be classed as a proper horror and there’s nothing in it that’s funny enough to be classed as a comedy. The lead actresses are porn stars but are ashamed to take their clothes off and the entire production seems to have been done on a budget of $3. Terror Toons will leave you staring at your TV screen long after the film has ended while you think to yourself ‘am I on crack?’

Our delightful tale of ‘horror’ begins in a quite suburban neighbourhood where Cindy and Candy’s parents are going away for the weekend. Candy (who, although looking like she’s well into her 20s, is wearing a kiddies dress and pigtails) receives a mysterious DVD in the mail. Being a fan of horror movies herself, she unquestioningly takes her new copy of Terror Toons (sent to her directly by Satan himself) and goes upstairs to watch while her sister Cindy invites some friends over for a party (if we use a VERY broad definition of what can be deemed a party). While Cindy and her friend Amy attempt to get some boys to come round, Candy unwittingly releases two monsters (?) from the Terror Toons DVD: Dr. Carnage, a green mad scientist with terrible teeth, and Max Assassin, Dr. Carnage’s little giant genetically altered purple monkey, who make quick work of Candy by turning her into a ventriloquist dummy.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Cindy and her friends begin to fool around in that special way that only 30-something actors pretending to be teenagers can. The party is rudely interrupted when Dr. Carnage and Max Assassin begin to pick off the teenagers one by one and Cindy, with the help of those that are still left standing and a policeman sent from the DVD, must attempt to fight off these two deranged cartoon characters and stop the Devil before he has a chance to take Terror Toons viral and infect the living room of every house in the world.

And while the thought of this movie still makes my mind go limp, I eagerly await a chance to get my hands on Terror Toons 2: The Sick and Silly Show.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• Cross-dressing men are completely capable of giving birth to porn stars.
• Satan now does home delivery.
• If you hide an enormous piece of dynamite in a little doughnut nobody will notice it.
• Wearing pink tights gives you the powers of Wonder Woman.
• Playing strip poker actually involves taking your clothes off only to replace them with an uglier outfit.
• Blunt pizza cutters can cut people in two with remarkable ease.
• When hit across the head with a bottle and then dragged over the broken glass a woman’s body will not bleed so long as she is wearing a sensible jersey.
• The entire human skeleton can be pulled out of a person’s stomach and the rest of the flesh will retain its form.