Blood Dolls

Year of Release: 1999
Genre:  Comedy / Horror / Sci-Fi
IMDB Rating: 3.3 / 10
Level of Awful: Medium

WHAT ITS ABOUT:

This was a great disappointment for me. Having been directed by Charles Band, the man who produced Puppet Master and Demonic Toys, I was hoping that this movie would have brought me some of the same somewhat-perverse joy at seeing a group of toys going off on a little killing spree armed with little weapons that they use with great creativity. Sadly all that Blood Dolls manages to succeed at is rehashing an old idea and ripping it to shreds. That said, the movie does get points for having a little bit of something for everyone: racism, BDSM, rock music, scary clowns, killer toys, female empowerment and dwarf tossing, to name but a few.

Our story centers around multi-billionaire Virgil Travis, a deformed recluse who is now incredibly pissed off that three business competitors have managed to screw him out of a billion dollars. As all good reclusive mad scientists do in times such as this, Travis begins plotting his revenge against those that dared to cross his path. To do this he creates three killer dolls out of the people who failed him the most:  the prosecutor, the judge and the lawyer that failed to defend him. The dolls are accompanied on their various missions by Travis’ henchman Mr Mascaro (supposedly a human version of Jack Attack from Demonic Toys), a seemingly competent individual who likes to wear clown makeup. But while the dolls take Travis’ revenge on his nemeses and the midget butler keeps the encaged rock band playing, everything is not as it seems and there is a player in the game that Travis has not considered.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED:

• When exposed to a vacuum, the human body naturally converts itself into an action figure.
• Being turned into an action figure makes people evil.
• People are capable of having fully functioning brains even when their heads are the size of a kiwi fruit.
• When not killing people, evil dolls just like to play around like kids.
• Electronic gates open without electricity.
• When using a guitar like a golf club, midgets can be thrown great distances.
• Saying “nothing human can touch you, I’d bet my life on it” means that you will be attacked by some otherworldly creature.
• Clowns frequently have a side job as a minister.